Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?
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Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs
– my dog
ME: Have you seen my denim jacket?
GF: No, but it’s okay. Just checked the weather & it’s not going to be the 1980s today…
H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings
How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom
911: what room is the body in
me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird
*opens door*
Stop screaming!
*opens door*
What broke?!
*opens door*
Just wait until I get out there!!
~parenting from the bathroom
Seat cushions are the original stool softeners
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”
(3 minutes into a hunger strike)
Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.
Me: *curling my hair*
Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.
chore hatred level:
considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes
WAITER: Can I take your order?
CUSTOMER: I don’t know, can you?
WAITER: …Dad?
CUSTOMER: …son?
[they embrace, finally reunited]
DAD: But seriously, say ‘May I take your order’, you’re embarrassing yourself
One day we’re gonna discover that Squarespace has been committing countless mysterious murders, solely to fuel the Murder Podcast Industry, their no.1 source of advertisement
3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard
Me: Guinness (dog) you want some bacon?
Siri: I’m completely satisfied with what I got!
Guinness: …
(tilts her head)
It’s been really good to have my son home for the weekend. I’d almost forgotten how sarcastic he is.
A Christmas Carol is the heartwarming tale of how rich people must be supernaturally terrorized into sharing.
Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
Whenever my kid’s teacher asks how I’m doing, I always want to reply, “Why? What did my kid tell you?”
technically mixed martial arts can include tickle fighting
Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
Working on my new impression, “drummer having a blast.” Keep an eye out for “guitarist who’s really feelin’ it.”
britney spears working at an ice cream shop called scoops i did it again.
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
I just saw a woman push 5 little kids in a shopping cart out of Walmart. I didn’t realize that you could get them in bulk now.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s kinda like a drink but with lumps in it”.
The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.