Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.

And it’s a gold to my husband for the best dad explanation of Fencing to our 10yr old.

“Fencing is where you have to go and put up a fence, with wood usually..”

People are so fake how can you love your newborn baby when you met it like 2 minutes ago and don’t know anything about it

The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.

It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.

But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡

– Dracula darling, you have something stuck in your teeth.
– Vhere, here?
– No…
– Here?
– No, just go look in-
– GO LOOK IN WHAT, SARAH?

Her: I’m having a dry party.

Me: Sorry, I’m busy.

Her: You don’t even know when.

Me: You don’t even know me.

Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime

Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.

So many people out there need a grilled cheese cut diagonal and ten thousand dollars cash right now

If you’re drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?

I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought “Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness” was inappropriate.

Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.

First Date RED FLAGS:

He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on

waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined

me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money

My 4yo refers to any time in the past as ‘last years ago’ which is about as accurate as when I say ‘the other day’.

[going to the moon]

Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!

Me: oh no

Co-astronaut: what

Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket

Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.

No, I don’t want to hang out at your house. Your pot to snacks ratio is all off.

Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT

can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed

Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?

There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.

She obviously wasn’t blind at all.

Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials

[on an airplane]

Me: Is the pilot any good?

Flight attendant: One of the best

Me: [winks] How about the rest of the season?

Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.

So, lemme get this straight…

Scooby-Doo can talk and help solve murders, but can’t go to the store and buy himself Scooby snacks??

I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.

Betrayed.