Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.

I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.

Me, age 21: I bet I can cannonball into the pool from the balcony of this Super 8

Me, age 51: I have to wait ten seconds after I stand up until the factory settings in my body reset

Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.

My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.

Certain people have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves

But I don’t like to point fingers

[Marriage Counseling]
Wife: He’s always messing up even the simplest phrases.
Me: I THOUGHT we were gonna keep that on the download…

I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.

I bet my doctor wasn’t expecting to say “Sir, that is not a toy” so many times today.

This will be our daughter’s first year trick or treating and the goal is to get her to collect all the candy for us and then immediately forget it exists

—How do you care for your mental health?

Me with my best frens:

Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?

Me: no, I’m not ugly

Things to know before you date me:

1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come

I text him the eggplant emoji along with “I would like this tonight” (because I’m planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.

Apparently I can’t enroll someone in anger management classes against their will.

Now what the hell am I supposed to do with my toddler?

My tombstone will probably read

“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”

The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.

New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App

*getting attacked by a bear in France*

ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.

Me: I don’t have time for anxiety. I have so much to do before tomorrow.

Anxiety: Ha! Good one. You’re funny!

Me: Funny how?

instead of valuable antiques, my mom passes down my childhood pastel poofy-sleeved 80’s outfits so my kids can carry on the family legacy of looking stupid

Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?

Me: Two.

4-year-old: It was nine.

Teaching her to count was a mistake.

[work call]
Me: this is Erin
Caller: hey hun how ya doin this is Frank Ravioli I was referred to you by David
Me: (assuming this is an elaborate hoax by my best friend) oh sure Frankie Rav how may I help you
Caller:
Me:
Caller: David from (one of my best clients)
Me: oh no

THERAPIST: You’re cured.

ME: Really?!?

THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?

If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.

[during home renovation]

My spouse, screaming: There’s a dead body in the walls!

Me: What a relief, I was afraid you found mold.

NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD

I may be small, but so is a grenade.

Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that

Relationship status: my husband bought a ukulele