ME: how old is your son?
WOMAN WHO STILL CAN’T ACCEPT THAT HER BABY HAS GROWN UP AND MOVED OUT: 288 months
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You catch more bees with honey, but I don’t want any bees. Seriously, if I could have all the bees, I’d want exactly zero bees.
[Frat party]
Everybody: CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG-
CHUCK: {walking into the room} ME ME ME- oh.
[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk
I can’t come into work today *cough* I’m really sick.
“Do I hear Mario Kart in the background?”
*hangs up*
The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy
I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.
– i got you these to show you how i feel about you.
– but i’m allergic to flowers.
– i know…
I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.
is it possible to get my dehumidifier to water my houseplants
I do not have a firm grasp on physics but have sketched what I have in my mind, with it strapped to a ceiling fan
PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.
The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.
Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser
If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.
torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift
Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher
Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve
let’s make a deal: if we’re both single when we’re 40 we’ll meet up together in a neutral area and hunt each other for sport
When people ask me why I’m in a wheelchair by saying “What do you have?” I want to say something ridiculous like “I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.”
Men: Remember that time…
Women: Yes
I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer
This edible ain’t shit.
*5 minutes later
Is it just me or is it hungry in here?
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
Robber: Give me all your money.Otherwise you are chemistry!
ME: Don’t you mean history?
R: Don’t change the subject!
*Both start laughing
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.
A few years ago I accidentally left one of my kids at the Alamo. It wasn’t too bad, it was less than 20 minutes when we realized. The problem is now, at 17, anytime she wants something she says, “REMEMBER THE ALAMO?” and my mom guilt takes over and she gets whatever she wants.
Just ate the last slice of pizza and I wish there was more. Suddenly all of Taylor Swifts songs make sense to me.
There really should be more social media sites that pit our closest friends against each other to make our top 8.
Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.