ME: how old is your son?
WOMAN WHO STILL CAN’T ACCEPT THAT HER BABY HAS GROWN UP AND MOVED OUT: 288 months
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when serial killers go for a run do they take the psycho path
Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.
Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”
My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.
“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”
“Eat human corpses?”
[flashback to eating quinoa]
“Y…yes.”
Whenever there’s an immortal in any story they always know a dozen languages and have a ton of varied skills. Just once I want to see a character just squander it the way I would. 900 years old, barely speaks 1 language, binge watching The Office for the 7000th time
A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.
All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.
Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.
My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.
If someone did a lot of murders but you don’t know who, have me go on a single date with every possible suspect and the person I like the most is 100% the killer.
Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively
Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company
Somebody spotted a coyote in my neighborhood a few days ago. But it’s cool, cause I just started carrying an anvil around everywhere I go.
Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…
Me: but what should I say?
Brain: ask her if she likes meat…
Me: What?
Brain: c’mon man, do it…
If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.
I like being married but not every day.
😆😜😆😜
WIFE: *all cute* you wanna make me French toast?
ME: *not looking up from my phone* I would never make you kiss anything you didn’t want to, Sharon.
The older I get, the more I lose my looks. But I’m also losing my eyesight, so it’s not my problem
I know we have a lot of problems but never forget that about 100 years ago we suddenly made most horses unemployed and someday soon they will have their revenge.
There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.
not me out here checking the growth progress of my potted flowers only a couple hours after i planted the seeds in the first place
Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you.
ME: Is it because in December I dress my pet pig in red and call it Hamta Claus?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough
DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did an assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol
me: god made me weak because he feared what i could do
my wife’s boyfriend: it’s okay bud, you loosened the jar for me
Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.