me: how should i tell my kids they’re adopted?
kid: not like this
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Instead of saying a package is Family Size, it’d be more helpful if it listed a time frame, like 3 Hours Worth of Cookies.
All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.
Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.
The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available
Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time
[nabisco hq]
“Wheat Thins sales are down we need ideas”
*raises hand*
“anyone else?”
…
…
“ok Dan, but I swear to god if u say-”
Wheat Thicks
My favorite part about talking to my teens is when they give me direct eye contact, listen intently, nod understandingly and then take out their AirPods when I finish and say, huh?
A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.
going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin
“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”
got up early enough to go on a 10 mile run, lift weights, and stretch before having a healthy breakfast, i mean i didn’t do any of that but i definitely got up early enough to
[marketing meeting]
me: what campaign are we working on today?
boss: spaghetti-o’s
me: uh oh
boss: say that again
They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
so unrealistic when scary movies show an empty rocking chair rocking back and forth. there should be a pile of laundry on it
What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision
The days of good grammer has went
Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.
wake up babe a new cause of homosexuality just dropped
Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.
[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.
I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.
She is not “fun to be around”.
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
What an insane day. Still can’t believe I tried cauliflower pasta for the first time.
So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.
Coworker: Is this anyone’s old food smelling up the fridge?
Me, knowing it’s mine: Ha ha no clue.
If I remove any clothing at all, the man thinks it’s sexy time, so now I just step into the shower fully dressed.
the only thing i remember from my time in school is the teacher explaining to my 8yo self, the difference between desert and dessert. “you always want two desserts and that’s why there are two s’s”