Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[knocks on widow’s door]
Me: my condolences. Your husband was a good man with a wonderful set of golf clubs that he won’t be needing anymore

If u think ur parents did nothing for you, remember Jackie Shrof named his son Tiger and Bappi Da named his son Bappa. Respect your parents

[at quick clinic]

Nurse: (sarcastically) Is it okay if I check your temperature?

Me: Come on, I can’t be the only person that’s refused to be weighed.

one of the dumbest varieties of video you see on social media is the whole “this guy built a complete pub/bar/etc in his home!” thing. a bar is a place you go to that has other people. dress it up however you want you’re still drinking alone in your basement, man

Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night

Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were

I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…

It was in the non-friction section.

My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.

Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]

My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that

[Sea fishing]
Me: This is fun.
[Deep sea fishing]
Me: Many men go fishing all their lives without knowing that it’s not fish they’re after.

Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)

90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies

“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.

The lady beside me at the airport just pulled out a whole block of marble cheese and started gnawing on it. Frankly, my emotions are mixed

People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.

Stop roasting yourself, you’re not a marshmallow

well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon

Stop listening to amateur meteorologists on social media! Get your weather predictions from chonky dirt rodents this week like the good Lord intended.

mom had nothing to worry about

Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–

i’ve seen the new gif of a guy cutting his pasta with scissors like three times today. i am just putting this buster keaton clip out there to show you where he copped it from —

Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway

My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.

HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker

When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence

Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.

At a red light:
Me: *turns to face car next to me*
*rolls down window*
Guy: *looks*
Me: *loudly sings song*
*dances*
G: *panicked look*

There’s nothing like the joy on a kid’s face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas.

Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.

Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.