Me: How was dinner?
Husband: Good!
Me. Just good? What could I have done to make it better?
Husband: …
*Next night*
Me: How’s dinner?
Husband: It was fantastic! Amazing!
Me: Don’t patronize me.
Husband: *sigh*
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Sometimes I’m out in public and I have to look down real quick to make sure I remembered to put on pants.
Wife (from the other room): Rick, what time is it?
Me: It’s 3:50
Wife: Really? Or did you accidentally hit the Preheat button on the oven again?
Me: Of course not. I’m not a total idiot!
Wife: OK. Sorry.
Me: Now it’s 3:75
Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?
*First Date
Her: Why are we at Home Depot?
Me: I wanted to see what it’s like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.
I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.
Shortcut
[At dinner with wife’s friends]
Me: may I chime in
Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-
*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*
[emergency room]
NURSE: It seems you’ve swallowed an abacus?
ME: She told me it’s what’s on the inside that counts
WIFE: I hate you
Kids will take 47 minutes to put on their socks and shoes then want someone to time them to see if they can take a bath and brush their teeth in 90 seconds.
My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.
Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights
Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.
Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.
Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.
Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.
straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!
also straight people:
Get your shit together, people at McDonald’s drive thru who sit there all confused like the menu hasn’t been the same for the last 50 years
Woke up against my better judgment again
With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.
I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien
It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.
The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.
Sure, make fun of my cargo shorts but sooner or later you’re going to need a martini shaker or a map of 11th century France.
He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.
I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
FIREFIGHTER: You need to get out of here [dodges falling support beam] right now!
ME: [staring at toaster waiting for pop tart] come on come on
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.
In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.
cellmate: how did you get here
me: i took the train
cellmate: no i mean what did you do
me: i just told you