Me: How was dinner?
Husband: Good!
Me. Just good? What could I have done to make it better?
Husband: …
*Next night*
Me: How’s dinner?
Husband: It was fantastic! Amazing!
Me: Don’t patronize me.
Husband: *sigh*
You Might Also Like
Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”
I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.
Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out
I’m changing the game. I’m starting to thank people from the top of my heart.
The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.
Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.
If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.
Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.
I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
[TRYING TO IMPRESS NEW GIRLFRIEND]
‘Oh yeah, I love to cook!’
*removes salad from the microwave
Verizon is selling off tumblr already, like someone who bought a doll at a garage sale that was labeled “WARNING: THIS DOLL IS HAUNTED”, took it home, got tormented by a ghost, then went “hey, I think this thing is haunted”
Me: I’m so fat…
Him: *rolls eyes*
Me: *rolls fat*
[Anteater eats some termites]
[looks up to heaven] “YOU DON’T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!”
spending money is too easy, for my bank account’s sake i need a bridge troll to ask me three riddles before i buy something
*Trains lightning bugs to spell*
Karen, they have a message for u
WILL YOU M-
“Omg Yes!”
OVE OUT?
Oh good. Here I packed your bags already.
I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’ve got a license
They left us in the waiting room so long at the orthodontist this morning my son formulated a plan for what he would do there in case of earthquakes, tornadoes, hurricanes, fire, kidnappers and zombies
Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.
A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.
the economy’s so bad that all the online submarine experts from last year had to become bridge experts
ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today
WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!
ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it
*takes bite of cookie*
Aw man this is awful
*takes another bite*
Still bad. But I better eat the rest to see if it gets better
saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower
WIFE: *all sexy* You know, instead of going to the gym, we could…work out…in the bedroom
[Upstairs Later]
ME: *doing bicep curls with a weighted blanket* You were so right, babe.
“Do you have a flavor?”
La Croix: “I have the concept of a flavor.”
Her: I heard your sister went to the US.
Me: Yeah she did.
Her: Which state?
Me: Alaska.
Her: Cool, when she tells you, tell me.
Wait….making the right choices is an option?!
Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.