Me: How was my snoring last night?
Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT
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You sit there and think about what you’ve done
-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight
A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.
I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”
[7 peaking around kitchen looking at stuff]
Me: What’s the matter, what are you looking for?
7: Can you keep it down, you’re cooking too loud and I can’t hear the TV
Me: I’m in charge of the shopping cart when my wife and I go to the grocery store
Cashier: …why are you telling me this?
Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…
For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…
WIFE: You forgot my birthday again didn’t you?
ME: [putting wrapping paper round the cat] Goddammit, I told you not to turn round yet Janet
My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”
*guy struggling to pick his teeth with a toothpick*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there were a better way?-commercial for business cards
Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
Me: oh shit, our new doormat says ‘Welcome,’ do you think any vampire can just come in now?
BF: just turn it around.
♫When the moon hits your eye♫
You’ll be killed.
It’s massive.
Asked my wife to pick up something from Home Depot and she’s texted me 47 questions and sent 300 pictures of the wrong item captioned “this?” so now I understand why she doesn’t let me go grocery shopping by myself.
Obama: Get Air Force One ready.
Biden: OK! *runs off*
Obama: The plane, not the movie.
*Biden does 360*
Biden: Yeah I know.
Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.
me when the borders lift
Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.
Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.
Car next to me in liquor store parking lot has a family sticker. She has SEVEN kids.
I better get in there quick! She’s gonna buy it all.
me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.
friend: what happened?
me: it got stuck in a tree.
In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.
My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.
I miss childhood because my back didn’t hurt and I didn’t have to make dinner every night
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
my kid is in her bed kicking her wall in morse code.
nope, scratch that. It’s either Wheels on the Bus or Bohemian Rhapsody, but I’m gonna tell her either way to go ahead and skip to the end