Me: How was my snoring last night?
Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT
You Might Also Like
Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.
HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
[picks up date]
*slides over hood of car* *slides off car onto another car* *slides off that one onto another car* *date looks at her watch*
Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.
If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up
Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
Me: Do you like my new negligé?
Him: Are you wearing bubble wrap?
Me: You said put something on that would keep you occupied for hours.
The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.
Ribbed condoms don’t even taste like ribs
My son was so sweet this morning. He took the garbage and recycling out without being asked, so I really think we’re turning a corner on this grouchy morning teen thing.
In unrelated news, my son asked for $20 right before he left for school.
*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*
Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.
Marriage Counsellor: …
I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.
If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.
Him: If I am the King of Diamonds *pulls out ring*, will you be my Queen of Hearts?
Me: Put that away before you meet the Queen of Clubs
Some people smoke cigarettes, drink, post too much on social media…I wait for a windy summer day, find a wedding in a park, show up and release thousands of sheets of paper, tripping after them down the aisle through the crowd wailing “my novel!! my novel!”
hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER
yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth
True friends show up during the middle of a bad date, dressed like a police officer and pretend to arrest you for murdering 7 other guys after the first date.
Just ordered me some pizza!
My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
best thing i have overheard in a long time just happened.
dude 1: “man, if you haven’tve texted me, i was gonna to bed at like 9.”
dude 2: “yea, i was actually hoping you wouldn’t respond so that i could go to bed.”
both: “well…. shit.”
The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me:
torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*
me: please, no! I have a baby!
torturer: how old?
me: three months
torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that
Me: Everyone’s doing an Easter tweet today, guess I should do one
Also me: *flipping through bible for research* whoa whoa whoa what are they gonna do with those nails
BOSS: this is our mortician, david
ME: *goes up for a high five* more like caDAVEer, amirite
DAVID:
ME: just gonna stiff me, huh?
DAVID:
ME: ᵒᶠ ᶜᵒʳᵖˢᵉ ʸᵒᵘ ᵃʳᵉ
How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?