Me: How was my snoring last night?
Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT
You Might Also Like
The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles
Deciding which personality is going to respond to an email
“sir we don’t hire people to be mannequins”
Me:*strikes mannequin pose*
“No, sir we don-”
M:*new pose*
[under breath] “damn this guys good”
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
[At check-out] *gets out credit card*
Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?
Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.
cornerman: get in there and hit him right between the eyes
boxer: but there’s SO many eyes
mr. potato head: *cracks knuckles*
This remains in the top 10 best memes of all time.
Interviewer: strengths?
Me: I’m sociable and can pretend to get along with most people….
Interviewer: er, ….. yes ok, right, moving on! Weaknesses?
Me: erm….*thinking furiously*…. bladder??
Decided to eat outside and a gust of wind just blew half my salad away. Welcome to British summer.
NEW ROOMMATE: What’s mine is yours.
[30 seconds later]
NEW ROOMMATE: I need my wheelchair back.
1) Jumped out of bed
2) Cooked breakfast
3) Ran 6 miles
4) Worked out
5) Started lying compulsively
If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team
When a husband asks you if you think it’s possible to love someone forever…
“If I find the right person” is apparently the wrong answer.
I am so glad everything is broken at work today so I could make this
Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.
In 2020, five African grey parrots at a wildlife park in Lincolnshire had to be separated after they were found to be encouraging one another to swear. The park’s CEO commented, “We are quite used to parrots swearing… but for some reason these five relish it.”
Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.
I really haven’t been feeling well since last night..here’s me and the hubby’s convo..
H- you’d better get to a doctor
Me: It hasn’t even been a full day
H: what? It’s been two days
Me: how do you figure?
H: today and yesterday
Me:
I drank a beer and then clipped my kid’s bangs, so tomorrow morning should be interesting
*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.
The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.
After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.
“What’s the worst that could happen?” I ask my son, as we enter the bear enclosure in matching Winnie the Pooh costumes
[stranded on Mars]
me: [journal day 1] I have enough rations for 300 maybe 400 days
me: [journal day 2] I am out of rations
Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.
My daughter asked me for money on a FaceTime call and I pretended like the screen froze up and she tells me, “Mother, the ceiling fan is still moving.”
The student has surpassed the master
if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!
Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.
SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit