Me: How was schoo—
5yo: LUNCH WAS CHEESE PIZZA AS BIG AS MY FACE. THEY HAVE IT EVERY DAY THIS WEEK.
Me: So it was—
5yo: I LOVE IT HERE. FIVE STARS
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I need a treadmill with a reward system.
Run 10k, here’s a pizza.
I asked my 7yo why she’s so cranky and she said “I just have a lot on my plate right now” at which point my 10yo literally took a fry off her plate and that was not the right move
No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.
Potatoes are used to make vodka. Also, potatoes are technically vegetables. The point I’m trying to make is, you do a juice cleanse your way, and I’ll do one my way.
You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.
In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:
“You did the best you could.”
*tries to get in your pantries*
There is no typo here.
My husband just got all pissy because I put the empty glass “he was still using” in the dishwasher, and this is my villain origin story.
Me: I build new bridges with the bones of my enemies.
Him: Please speak directly into the microphone.
Me: Not guilty, your Honor.
the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one
Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name
[emerging from my time machine during the Byzantine-Arab War]
ME: Excuse me, what year is it?
MAN: It’s 830.
ME: [whispering] sorry to wake you, dude. what year is it?
What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.
WAITER: Would you like the usual, Mr Smith?
MR SMITH: *all smugly* Do birds fly?
*Penguin at the next table slams down his menu*
Ancestors survived five mass extinctions on earth for me to be killed by a house cat I was trying to put a christmas sweater on.
The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he’ll spare my life.
I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.
Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.
The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.
Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.
Guy on fb posted a picture of his baby w/ the caption “1st Easter!” Hell no, there have been like 2000, we’re not starting over just for him
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that
🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶
Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?
I’m not saying iPhone’s are overpriced, but with the money I saved by buying an Android, I bought a Tesla, a Rolex and a trip to Hawaii.
One of my 4 nephews just brought me wine and said, “Here’s your Christmas juice,” and now he’s the one I’m leaving everything to.
Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.
[prison]
CELLMATE: what are you in for?
ME: (actually in jail for jumping a fence to hug a panda) murder