Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn

amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one

If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.

Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.

one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries

Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.

Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.

CAR SALESMAN: How can I help you?
ME: I’m looking to immediately lose money on a terrible investment.
CAR SALESMAN: That’s my specialty.

I grilled a chicken for two hours.

It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…

Me too 😆

Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement

Good thing he found a cart, because that looks really heavy.

Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.

Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never!

[in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]

[in basement lab]
wife: you cant just make your own honey
me: (mouth dry, spitting pollen everywhere) I know that now Lisa.

be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character

Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud

Me: I know how windows work pal

Are you guys ready for tomorrow??? It’s gonna be a HUGE day. I hope you’re prepared. I love taco Tuesdays. Gonna eat so many.

“2:00! Are you ready for the movie?!?” my son asked. I was not, I told him, not even close. His mom had taught him to tell time. He had taught himself to set the alarm on his watch. But it would be up me to teach him the critical difference between AM and PM.

I dropped my phone will taking a bubble bath.

Now it’s syncing.

#BubbleBathDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes

4: mommy, I don’t like you.

Me: why, what did I do??

4: *gives me a huge hug*

Me: uh

4: I only love grandma

Me: what is happening

{At the last supper}

Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”

Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”

Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?

Tastes victory

Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!

[in the bedroom]

Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.

Me: Okay.

H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*

looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam

“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.

I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.

WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house

*our child walks in*

ME: Yeah, great job, Linda

People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting