Me: How was schoo—
5yo: LUNCH WAS CHEESE PIZZA AS BIG AS MY FACE. THEY HAVE IT EVERY DAY THIS WEEK.
Me: So it was—
5yo: I LOVE IT HERE. FIVE STARS
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Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.
Customer Service: How does the name appear on your credit card?
Me: If i had to guess, I’d say it’s 11 pt. Arial bold.
[therapy]
“Where does your fear of spiders come from?”
*flashback to Spider-Man trying to kiss me behind Applebees*
They’re just creepy okay
So disappointed. I was unable to witness the awesome spectacle of the Perseid meteor shower in the middle of the night because unfortunately the view in my location was totally obscured by a thick layer of bedroom.
Influencer doing makeup tutorial : this is so easy you can NOT mess it up
Me: oh honey…you have no idea
it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness
Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!
just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine
When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.
i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.
“wait..so its a face transplant”
“yes”
“but his voice’
“your voice is tied to your face how u look is how u sound this is just science”
“ok nic cage”
Booked a non-refundable train ticket, sadly had to cancel the trip. Accepted I would lose the train fare. As luck would have it the train I was due to travel on got cancelled. So applied for a refund even though I’d no intention of travelling. It’s the small wins.
My run for political office would be short but filled with food eating competitions.
[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?“Bring your own beer”
Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh
Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.
Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.
“Weltengesichtpfeifenschuldigung” is the German word for “accepting as a fact something you’ve just been told without bothering to check”.
WIFE: can’t wait until we’re old and sitting on the porch so I can tell you all my stories again because you won’t remember any of them
ME: wait… your retirement fantasy is I have dementia?
Dogs are too pure for this world 🥺🥺
#goldenretriever #dogs
Friend: Hi, How have you been?
Me: Why? What have you heard?
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
Her: Whats that mouth do boo?
Me: Probably say something stupid.
Guy next to me at Mariners game didn’t stand for national anthem. Unpatriotic bastard. I should push his wheelchair down the stairs.
[giving mother in law my famous salad dressing recipe over the phone] 1 part vinegar, then *bites lip so I don’t laugh* 2 parts baking soda
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.