Me: How was school?
11-year-old: It was a normal day.
Me: So it was good?
11: I didn’t say that at all.
You Might Also Like
Enforcer: Kids don’t get kneecaps until age 6.
Baby loan shark: Well crap. How am I supposed to get my money out of the little snots?
interviewer: what was your last job
me: health angel
interviewer: oh so you worked at like a spa
me: no thilly, I drove a motorthycle
Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time…
Me:It’s amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you…
Sneezed so hard I think I pulled an ovary
Me: I like a full bodied wine.
Date: I’m not that knowledgeable about wine.
Me: It’s like, when the grapes were really thicc.
Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”
All I want for Christmas is someone to love and a horse solves crimes.
I’m no scientist, but if that ebola virus is communicable, that means WE CAN TALK TO IT.
Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.
I’m going to buy a bathroom scale and eyeglasses. after that? I dunno. weight and see I guess 🤷♀️
me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?
date: i don’t know
me: one is a spider you idiot
My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.
I moved to LA with nothing but the shirt on my back. No pants & I couldn’t figure out how to get the shirt on my front. Soon I was jailed
i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years
What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.
(Standing in front of 3d printer waiting for my bullets to print out as a killer walks toward me) come onnnn come onnnnnn
My 4 year old took 2 hours and 3 separate sittings to eat a slice of cake. I don’t even know who this kid is anymore.
me: ok for that, i need you to roll a perception check
cop: that’s not how this works
what the hell is this stain?
– a memoir
Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.
The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?
Wife: Ooh, did you already brush your teeth?!
Me, hiding my 7th Mint Julep: Yesh.
“Are you a secret shopper? You have to admit it if I ask. It’s the law.”
“That’s only for narcs.”
“That sounds like something a secret shopper would say…”
Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.
-first day of algebra class
job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness
me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage
Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
A taser but for people who say “it is what it is”.
What kind of doctor are you?
-Apathologist
A… pathologist?
-No, apathologist. People come to me when they need medical don’t care.
Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go