Me: how was school?
My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.
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ME: So what do you do?
DATE: I’m a chef in the army.
ME: Aah, so you’re in the mealitary.
HER: *already in an Uber
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might accidentally clean them?
I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.
Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners
“HELP! Frankenstein’s attacking me!”
911: Frankenstein? Or Frankenstein’s *monster*?
“AAAH he ripped my arm off”
911: Which one did, sir
Bruce Willis and the pug are lying on hospital beds, hand in paw. The pug’s kidneys are failing and despite science & logic,Bruce is a match
Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe
I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it
My wife will be like, “gut reaction, yes or no?”
And then show me two shades of beige paint I can’t even tell are different.
The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.
80% of my day is spent saying “dishwasher” after I hear a kid throw dishes into the sink.
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
Me: Do you want to sign up for dance in the fall?
7: Yeah!!
Me: Which classes do you like best?
7: I don’t really like any of them. I just like dance because you get free costumes at the end.
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: *blinks* I’m sorry, did you say free?
Just got myself some new
memory foam shoes.Maybe now I’ll remember
why I walked in the room.
I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.
found a guy hanging out in an alley in palm springs
[heaven]
Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.
Batman’s parents: Same.
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
Forget about my body count. The list of women who *haven’t* slept with me is really impressive
I’m so hungry I could eat a hor—
*horse walks by snorting aggressively*
ticulturalist
*horticulturalist pops up trimming hedge aggressively*
In the bathroom stall and written on the bottom of the door, ” Beware of Limbo Dancers” I wanted to star it and re-stall it one door over.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: attention passengers is anyone here a doctor
PASSENGERS: sorry no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: um ok then is anyone here a pilot
(Me, finding lemons outside my door again) Good thing universe has a hearing problem! I wasn’t serious when I ordered those demons
*Wandering the city*
Crap I have no idea where I’m at.
*Stops in a bar and gets drunk*
Okay NOW I recognize these buildings
if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you
*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*
ugh, it tastes like the house
academia has you beefing with someone 3k miles away who is also one of only 4 people on earth who likes the same stuff as you