Me: how was school?
My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.
You Might Also Like
[first/last day working at an Italian restaurant]
CUSTOMER: what types of pasta do you have?
ME: we have spaghetti, vermicelli, rigatoni, enrico palazzo, falsetto, versace and fellatio
[the middle of showering] I need a break
There’s always that one guy
You can never be accused of overstaying your welcome, if you don’t go anywhere.
Went to a public park and my 4yo was like, “Is this Disney World?!”
The answer is yes and I’ll cut anyone who tells her differently.
Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.
Immediately after walking into a store with your spouse, stop, block the entrance, and discuss why you both came. It’s all good. I’ll wait.
Saw a guy smoking while pumping gas & at first glance thought ‘wow that’s not safe’ & at second glance thought ‘wow that guy’s on fire’
{at the dentist}
Hygienist: Let’s just have a look
Me, panicking: I’m so sorry! I used all my dental floss to lace my shoes.
Hygienist: Last time you said you were abducted by aliens who wouldn’t let you floss.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’
me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks
skydiving instructor: absolutely not
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.
It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.
“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw
True dat! 😂😂😂😂
me: no thanks I’m a vegan
person handing me a baby: what
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.
My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…
Handing over my ID at the post office.
The clerk said “You’ve aged quite a bit since this photo was taken.”
I said “Yes, I had it taken just before I joined this queue.”
You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.
The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.
Me: will the kids ever be on time to school?
Magic 8 Ball: *laughs hysterically*
I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.
[Sahara desert]
Me: *shares canteen*
Companion: *holds it to his mouth but nothing comes out*
Me: it’s ketchup, you have to wait a bit.
I can’t stop laughing at this
