Me: How was school today?
Child: Awful.
Me: Why?
Child: You can’t have a good day at school.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, how was work today?
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
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Me: my imposter syndrome is pretty bad. I feel like I don’t deserve to be here, I’m not good enough
Satan: what
The scariest pumpkins ever 😵🤣🎃
you can achieve anything if you just put your mind to it. for example, i just saw a dead fish on the freeway
Honesty is the best policy until it gets you slapped.
Ugh! You. Are. A. Terrible. Kisser.
If your looking for my tonsils, I had them taken out when I was 8…
In the story of the $35 garage sale ceramic bowl going for $500k at auction, I’d be the person who had the garage sale.
Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.
(at a party)
them: truth or dare.
me: dare.
them: go home.
getting really tired of taking a girl out for drinks, then dropping by her house on the following day and being told by her mum “you must have the wrong house” [motioning to a black-and-white photograph of my date from the night before] “Sarah died thirteen years ago last night.”
My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.
To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.
You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.
Cop: I’m going in, cover me!
Me:*speed knits blanket*
Netflix says not to watch Ted Bundy alone so do any nice, strange men wanna come over and watch with me to make sure I don’t get too scared?
*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!
My next door neighbor is constantly blaring loud music by a certain white rapper, keeping me awake at night. He’s become my Eminemesis.
“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
Tired of being hit by cars? Fed up with being scraped off the road? Sick of fighting off vultures after you’ve been pancaked?
Sidewalks™
“Where have you been all my life?”
In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.
Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned
Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.
My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.
Drilling for oil is well boring.
mcdonalds: may I take your order
cronus: I’ll have the kids meal
Turns out that the half-acre I bought is in an active tectonic zone. I’m on shaky ground here folks. I have a lot on my plate and it’s all my fault.
There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them
My spirit animal is fried chicken
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.