Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.

[1773]
“Your majesty, last night some angry colonists dumped our tea into the Boston Harbor”
*three English ladies faint*
WTF THIS MEANS WAR

Apiarist: Don’t! Stop!
Bee: *leaving*

The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.

Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.

History: delete
Pics: delete
Texts: delete
Kik: delete
“Why yes, you can use my phone for a second.”

Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison

“SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO SLEEP” I yell at the neighbor I can hear vacuuming at 1pm in the afternoon.

Me: One coffee please.

Barista: Name for the cup?

Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.

Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.

i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there

*Someone messages me*

I hope your well

And I’m like, you hope my well what?
You hope my well is fine?
You hope my well is providing me with clean water?

HOW DO YOU KNOW I HAVE A WELL, WHAT DO YOU HOPE FOR IT & WHY CAN’T YOU FINISH YOUR SENTENCE?

[Toothpaste Laboratory]

Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…

Me: why don’t you ever do things the first time I ask?

5: because I’m 5

One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot….. I then went inside and spent $447. Brillianty played, IKEA.

If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.

Bringing them to the yard is easy

– bear traps will keep em’ there

[at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn’t say he loved making toast in the bath

(Arrives at Topgolf bay for date night)

Wife: have you registered here before?

Matrix: idk, put my email in.

(“Osama bin Golfin” pops up on the screen)

In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes

[Commercial for Disneyland]

Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?

I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.

i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 👀

(20s) ew this bar is full of old people let’s get out of here.

(50s) ew this bar is full of young people let’s get out of here.

Whenever I’m having a bad day I think “Goddammit if a baby can hold their head up, then so can I.” Then I pee my pants and scream cuz that’s also what babies do.

PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there

My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.

I just left a court docket with 47 cases. I was number 4 and 43. The judge took the bench and took one look at me with my Kleenex and hacking cough and said, “Patient zero, YOU will be going first.”

Never has looking like complete crap made me so happy.

Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants

Asking me which one of my tweets is my favorite is like asking an Indian dad which one of his children is his favorite. I don’t think any of them are good enough.