A mom hits peak passive aggressive when faced with the request “tell me a story”
Well Billy, once upon a time there was a little boy who literally never picked up his shit
Me: How was school?
5: It was good. I only needed a couple of reminders
Me: what did you need to be reminded about?
5: You don’t need to worry about that
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Gf: I ate that Twix you bought for yourself
Me: I see
Gf: Are you gonna over-react?
Me: Of course not, I know exactly what to do
Ex Gf: what
[watching the lion king]
me: i’ve never seen this before
wife: oh dear, better get the tissues ready
me: i hardly think i’m going to jack off to a bunch of lions karen
Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.
*stares into distance*
Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.
Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?
humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out
Fireman: Is anyone else inside the house?
Me: Uh yes..my son is trapped in my room he- [fireman charges into blaze] ..HE LOOKS LIKE AN XBOX
I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution
A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”