Me: How was school?
5: It was good. I only needed a couple of reminders
Me: what did you need to be reminded about?
5:
Me:
5: You don’t need to worry about that
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my gf: this guy is hitting on me, teach him a lesson
me: ok [to guy] tomatoes are technically fruits
Be the change!!
*loosely falls to the floor*
*quarter spins*
You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.
But God knows I’ve tried.
“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.
yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government
respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is antonym
ME: synonym
JUDGE: no you have to spell it, not give an example
ME: *lips on mic* i-t
dad: *holds up condoms* what are these
son: …
dad: *pulls out matches* you’re gonna smoke every last one
Carl: Cold out night.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: NASA found LSD improved spiders’ ability to make webs.
Me: Fair enough.
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
You young couples with your dogs, your trial children, you’ll learn nothing about parenting because you can never teach a toddler to “sit”.
Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.
You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.
“Wow you’re one of the nicest old ladies I’ve ever met!”- me, loudly to a random old lady so my mom can hear
doctors in 90s: really try to limit your screen time to 4 hours a day
doctors today: please for the love of God find a 10 minute stretch in your day where you’re not looking at a screen. actually nevermind. just do whatever you want. have some adderall
Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would
Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet
“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing
I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.
Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either
if you actually do the calculations, it turns out movies always give the wrong answers for equations because otherwise they owe a royalty to math
Wait. Why is it called ghosting? Ghosts stick around. THAT’S THEIR WHOLE DEAL.
I don’t want the baby mountain goat to die but I don’t want the snow leopard to starve. Why do we even watch these nature shows?
Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.
“you can be a good parent and hide chocolate chip cookies from your kids” she whispers as she wipes crumbs off her chin and quietly closes the freezer door
Customer: where might I find chicken livers?
Me: on the inside
*overheard during my 6yo’s Zoom class*
Teacher: Today is the last day of September. What does that make tomorrow?
Boy: January 1?
Girl: Valentine’s Day?
Seems to me these kids are just as ready for 2020 to end as anyone else.
*returns shopping cart*
“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”
Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.