Me: How was school?
6-year-old: Why do you always ask that?
Me: …because I want to know.
6: That’s not a very good reason.
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Today was old man training day for the boy. Lunch was pickled eggs and sandwiches and we talked about the weather. Then, over a dinner of chowder we complained about the music kids these days are listening to and then we had pie and coffee in complete silence.
Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
So after 75 long days, this week is finally over
How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?
I’m so damn good at making people mad that even the Dalai Lama would stop meditating to scream at me
Star Wars movies now feel like when your dad caught you smoking and said “Oh you like cigarettes? Well now you’re gonna smoke a whole pack.”
It’s all fun and games until you send the clapping emoji instead of the prayer hands when commenting on the news of a death in the family.
We argue about where to go for dinner for so long it eventually becomes an argument on where to go for breakfast
Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread
roses are black. so is my heart. me and fries. till death do us part.
Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie
My kid dropped his apple slices and I asked if he wanted me to help him pick up, he said “no thank you, you can do it by yourself”
Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.
Kid: I’m starting to think you love your garden more than us.
Me: Wow. That’s. Just wow. I mean… *glances back at plants to make sure they’re not listening*
Me: I drink vodka mainly because of my Russian roots
Him: You don’t have Russian roots
Me: *cracks open to reveal a slightly smaller me inside*
Genie: I will grant you one wish
Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind
Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….
“You should cook it like this more often.”
Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.
DATE: Do you like cats?
ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?
Vixxxen is just a reindeer with a side hustle.
I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return
OTHER KIDS IN RESTAURANT: Restlessly coloring on a placemat waiting for food.
MY KIDS: Have already flipped over a booth & set it on fire.
Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.
Looks like the mayor is getting serious.
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
you haven’t truly known fear until a long-forgotten furby in the back of your bedroom closet starts screaming in an australian accent at 3am
TOUCH NOT MY PONDERING CRYSTAL
[me being lowered into my grave]
the grave:
please input the SMS code we texted so we can make sure it’s you
Grandma: what’s oversharing?
Me: It’s when you talk about your hemorrhoid surgery on FaceBook.