Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Haha no way, you’re an 1/16th Polish AND a 1/3rd Irish???

Damn I must be part goldfish bc I don’t remember asking 🤷‍♂️🤷‍♂️🤷‍♂️

Most people have 32 teeth. Some have 10.

Simple meth.

The mall reopened today, but I don’t have any Bath & Body coupons so I’m not going.

It has been 3 years since Monday.

Thanks, Facebook, for reminding me that on this very day back in 2012 I used a stick of butter to grease the 3 year old’s trapped legs from a bunk bed ladder.

Parenting is fun.

[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”

I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid

I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season

Why are bridges so flammable.

I’m pretty sure the Olympics are just making up countries now.

The baby just put her head on my chest and fell asleep…that means that I need to lose some weight because I shouldn’t be fat enough to be this comfortable

[alternate universe]

Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵

I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.

Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?

I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again

Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.

If your wife is a school crossing guard, you’re missing a huge opportunity if you don’t tell people she’s into human trafficking.

People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots

it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman

[in a steel doomsday bunker]

FRIEND: I could use some kool-aid.

ME: No!

[something strikes the side of our bunker]

My “Mum” says I need to learn how to use quotation marks.

Huh, this is a first

Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before

They must know

The U.S is #18 in mathematics worldwide. At least we’re in the top ten.

[dinner party]
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”

9yo: Can I have McDonald’s for supper?

Me: Let me think about it

9yo: *gives me a hug*

9yo: Did that help?

The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change

I was in line at the bank when a man got pulled from the queue and escorted out by security, just for having sleeve tattoos depicting flames.

Apparently they don’t allow fire arms in the building.

“It’s been a bit of a day”

Meaning: Anything from “the printer stopped working” to “an asteroid hit the planet and eradicated 90% of living things”

Christmas movie innkeepers play fast and loose with their unattended candles.