Me: How was school?
6-year-old: Why do you always ask that?
Me: …because I want to know.
6: That’s not a very good reason.
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I’m not lazy, I’m an inactivist.
[at restaurant]
me, in my head: i want the pasta. i want the pasta. i want the pasta.
waiter: what can i get you?
me: *scrambling to open menu* uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i’ll have the uhhhhhhhhhh
That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.
A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator
Me: (filling the medicine cabinet with ping pong balls)
Him: What are you doing?
Me: I invited your family over for dinner tonight.
because my kids are in public school, i have had several kids who identify as gay, trans, non-binary, etc in my home for various hang-outs
do you know what they all have in common?????????
eggos
they eat all my eggos
Every time
Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.
Otters see a butterfly.
Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?
How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.
Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”
Her: you ever done hot yoga?
*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*
Pretty sure
Not an. Officer sitting next to me …. Now I can’t drink my… er.. water
y’all made fun of plankton on spongebob for dating a computer and look at y’all now 💀
priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate
groom: can you please stop saying that
bury ourselves
‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me
You know it’s a BBQ type holiday weekend when there are a thousand people in the spice aisle at the grocery store just staring at the spices
How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom
HUSBAND: Can you hand me the salad spinner?
ME: Give me a second, I need to finish drying my panties first.
How do you tell the gender of an ant?
Put it in water.
If it sinks, girl ant.
If it floats…
I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.
(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.
BOND: The name’s Bond. James Bond.
ME: That’s a weird way to say your name, dude.
BOND: I’m a spy.
ME: You are bad at all parts of this.
i saw a single tiktok in which a woman mispronounced gnocchi “yonkees” and unfortunately for everyone in my life i am going to say it that way forever now.
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
I’m haunted by my grandmother saying “apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without copping a feel”