Me: How was school?
6-year-old: Why do you always ask that?
Me: …because I want to know.
6: That’s not a very good reason.
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GF: What’s my biggest flaw?
ME: You haven’t got any, you’re perfect, I love you
GF: No come on, I mean pacifically
ME: We should split up
I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
the amazon drone struggles to stay in the air & nearly takes out a police helicopter as it makes its way to my house carrying 45 pounds of mustard
WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*
Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!
Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.
One of my sons says he likes my new haircut, and the other will have to twirl a sign outside a Mattress Firm to pay for college, I guess.
I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art
New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
My neighbors, leaf blowing Larry and tile cutting Tim, are in the midst of a noise war, so I blasted “Let it Go” and won.
For April Fool’s Day, Pizza Hut Taiwan has rolled out a “flavorless” pizza, which is just a giant hole with nothing inside
People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides
COP: Do you realize you were speeding back there?
ME: Can you be sure it wasn’t just the planet slowing down?
COP: I’m listening
Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
Doctor: how often do you consume alcohol; like, once a week, three or four times a week, every day?
Me [sipping wine out of a travel cup]: ummm… occasionally
Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.
*pronounces carrot like tarot*
my mom: don’t fill up on bread, that’s how they get you
me: that’s how they get YOU, coward. i will bankrupt this olive garden
Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?
[anniversary dinner]
HER: tell me something that will make my heart race
ME: my credit card got declined
Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?
Me: I’ve seen more than two.
Me: Alexa, when will computers become self-aware?
Alexa: When will YOU become self-aware?
M: *gazing out a window, crying* good one, Alexa
Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.
-my son, asking to be taken out of the will
And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”
I don’t expect everything handed to me, just set it down outside my door.
Don’t donate your plasma. It’s a big scam and they’re just using it to make TVs.
[first day as a spelling bee judge]
Me: your word is Sarcasm
Him: can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence