Me: How was school?
9-year-old: We practiced emergency bus evacuations.
Me: Was it fun?
9: No. They stopped the bus first.
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My mind: You’re 18…
My body: …minutes from death.
I was an only child but still refer to myself as the good-looking one.
Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.
Why are ranches the only house with their own condiment? I demand bungalow sauce!
Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.
Me: *walks up to table next to mine in restaurant*
Are you done with that yet?
Her: We said no.
Me: But I need a green crayon for the tree.
Taylor’s most unrealistic lyric is “he’d never tell you, but he can play guitar” bc I’ve never met a man who can play guitar that isn’t gonna tell you about it
“Tim’s coming tonight”
“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”
[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
You had me at “she’s the one,” but lost me at “officer.”
eats a dozen doughnuts…
*checks for flabs*
People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.
Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December
911: How can I help you?
Me: MY HAND IS STUCK IN THIS PRINGLES CAN… I’M PANICKING
911: Let go of the chip Sir
Me: oh, ok….all good now
[attending a lecture on kleptomania]
Me: *taking notes*
Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes
Bad joke of the day:
What did the finger say to the thumb?
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I’m in glove with you.
If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.
Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other
dad: WAIT
me:
dad: don’t forget to take a jacket
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
[phone rings]
me: hello?
NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.
me: [quickly hangs up]
When people come into my office and complain, I’ve started gently pushing things off my desk while maintaining eye contact. You’d be amazed at how much shorter the conversations are.
Imagine working hard to buy a home and then, out of nowhere, deciding to let a bunch of tiny idiots live with you rent free. Welcome to parenthood.
*at a metal concert*
lead singer: ANY REQUESTS??
me: CAN YOU PLEASE ENUNCIATE
Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.
Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.
They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”
pacific rim takes place in 2020 and the kaiju haven’t emerged yet. but seeing how this year is going, we should be prepared.
If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur
Baby proofing is like trying to plug a giant hole with your finger, much more effective is to duct tape your child to the floor in the middle of an empty room