Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?

Windows Explorer: who knows lol

pictures of spider-man

Afraid to fly? It’s perfectly safe except that air traffic controllers are all gov’t employees forced to work the holidays.
Merry Xmas.

Simba – “welcome to… The bone zone”
Nala – “the what?”
Simba – “elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard”

My dad just called because he was thinking of me & loves me. And THAT’S why I never danced on a pole. Well, that and I got too dizzy.

I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me

In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!

britney spears working at an ice cream shop called scoops i did it again.

Alien: we are here to enslave you

Me: *not looking up from phone* huh?

Alien: I SAID..

Me: *still not looking up* yeah I said I’ll do it

my kidney: can you stop with the alcohol?

my heart: yes and also start eating better?

my brian: do whta yuo liek.

me: love you, brian.

Her: You sure love to beat people over the head with your vocabulary, don’t you?

Me: I think the word you’re looking for is “bludgeon.”

WestJet now charges $25 to book a flight by phone. But it’s way more if you want to book a flight by plane.

Took my son fishing and as I was carefully baiting the hook he came up to me with a minnow he caught in a ziplock bag and said ‘daddy you’re trying too hard’.

her: i’m having trouble walking after last night

me: well i thought the mattress stair sled would be fun

Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.

“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!”
I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.

Him: So, it cost me my life savings and all my inheritance but you’re worth it, I booked us a trip on Virgin Galactic

Me: Umm…when I said I wanted space…

imagine you get to the gates of heaven and they make you download an app to go in

[flirting]
ME: Do you come here often?
HER: Sir, I’m the librarian.
ME: Uh huh.
HER: And this is a library.
ME: Oh, gotcha.
HER: Okay then.
ME: *whispers* Soooo, do you come here often?

{Packing for trip}
ME: I always thought they were called “soupcases”.
HER: Why would they be called soupcases?
ME: Well why would they be called suitcases?
HER: Because they’re for your suits.
ME:
HER:
ME: Okay I need to repack.

If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.

If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.

‘In my humble opinion…’ yeah right lmao sounds really modest already

I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.

Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and

Me: The woman next door thinks you’ve been spying on her. Go over and tell her you’d never do that.
Him: Okay. I’ll go as soon as she’s out of the shower

My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches

Cutting the rings on my 6 pack plastic thing so nobody chokes when i throw it into the turtle enclosure at the aquarium

What do you want to be when you grow up?

other kids: firefighter, doctor, scientist…

my 9yo: I’m gonna sell my Pokémon cards on the streets of New York.

My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.

Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.