@daddydoubts

Me: how was school?

Son: I cried today.

Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.

Son: and I peed on my teacher.

Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.

Wife: stop.

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@NoogsCorner

Witch Logic:

I have the magical ability to turn any item into a flying vehicle. I guess I’ll use that broom.

@Parkerlawyer

6, holding a pic of me pregnant with him, “Why are you SO FAT?”
Me, “You’re inside my tummy.”
6, “That’s DISGUSTING.”
Me, “It gets worse..”

@WilliamAder

Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.

@CloydRivers

If you plant a block of ramen noodles in the ground and water it with cold ones every day, it will grow into a college kid. It’s science.

@kiel_phillips

ME: I would like a complaint form

ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left

ME: I would like two complaint forms

@roxiqt

I’m not vegetarian but there are certain animals I refuse to eat:

– rabbit
– raccoon
– most kinds of bear
– moth
– Mothman
– bee (but wasp is okay)
– coconut
– whatever animal “bologna” is from

@NateMorrising

For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.