@daddydoubts

Me: how was school?

Son: I cried today.

Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.

Son: and I peed on my teacher.

Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.

Wife: stop.

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@weinerdog4life

When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt

@huntigula

an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today

@videojames_

[walking into my intervention]

me: is this about me talking to myself

me: yes

@pterotactful

job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?

me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead

@philmann

DAD GUIDE ON HOW TO WATCH A MOVIE:
1) put on a movie
2) don’t watch it
3) read a book
4) every time something happens ask what happened

@Book_Krazy

*Makes bacon
*Eats one piece
*2 pieces
*3 pieces
*Eats all the bacon
*Hides the evidence

9: Yummm! What’s that smell?

Me: Cereal

@msdanifernandez

*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.

@nachosarah

hey guys maybe girls are so cold all the time because you make us shave off all our hair