Me: how was school?

Son: I cried today.

Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.

Son: and I peed on my teacher.

Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.

Wife: stop.

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When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt


an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today


[walking into my intervention]

me: is this about me talking to myself

me: yes


job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?

me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead


1) put on a movie
2) don’t watch it
3) read a book
4) every time something happens ask what happened


*Makes bacon
*Eats one piece
*2 pieces
*3 pieces
*Eats all the bacon
*Hides the evidence

9: Yummm! What’s that smell?

Me: Cereal


*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.


hey guys maybe girls are so cold all the time because you make us shave off all our hair