I have the magical ability to turn any item into a flying vehicle. I guess I’ll use that broom.
Me: how was school?
Son: I cried today.
Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.
Son: and I peed on my teacher.
Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.
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6, holding a pic of me pregnant with him, “Why are you SO FAT?”
Me, “You’re inside my tummy.”
6, “That’s DISGUSTING.”
Me, “It gets worse..”
9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?
Me: Slept in.
I have no sense of decency. That way all my other senses are enhanced…
Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.
If you plant a block of ramen noodles in the ground and water it with cold ones every day, it will grow into a college kid. It’s science.
i have two moods:
?sleep is for the weak
?sleeping for a week
ME: I would like a complaint form
ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left
ME: I would like two complaint forms
I’m not vegetarian but there are certain animals I refuse to eat:
– most kinds of bear
– bee (but wasp is okay)
– whatever animal “bologna” is from
For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.