Me: how was school?
Son: I cried today.
Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.
Son: and I peed on my teacher.
Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.
Wife: stop.
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Can you imagine how rich Adam and Eve would be right now if they would have held on to that Apple stock instead of eating it and incurring the wrath of God?
There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
This is the huge spider that I killed inside my shirt by slapping my side while driving my kid to school. So, yea, I’d call it a win win.
It’s very 2024 because I was just so impressed with how thick that store’s checkout bags are. I was like, “Such nice bags. Oh wow. So sturdy! Usually plastic bags are like tissue paper thin. These, now THESE bags are some serious bags. They can HOLD stuff. These are for me? Wow”
I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.
*putting a top hat on my dog*
Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.
I’m so hungry I could eat an apple
If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.
My sister: You’re either going to die because you sassed the wrong person or petted a dog you shouldn’t have.
Me: Either way, I’m getting bitten in the face.
Met a man named Drew like 3 days ago. We exchanged numbers. This morning I woke up in a group chat, started by his alleged wife, with 8 other women. It’s been comedy and chaos ever since 😂.
Good cop: we found her body in the river
Cop who doesn’t want people knowing he can’t swim: I was sick that day otherwise I’d have found it
8: *gives me a pen*
Me: *takes it*
8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!
Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.
how are we still getting a new year? we couldn’t even take care of the last one
If Nelly tells you “it’s getting hot in here”, it’s not your job as a journalist to take off all your clothes, it’s your job as a journalist to look out the window and find out if it’s true
oh u like geography? name every lake
Fall is here! I can finally start burning my pumpkin cinnamon cupcake cranberry apple pie walk in the snow vanilla snickerdoodle flannel scented candle without feeling like a psychopath
RIGHT?
You can only regret what you remember.
-Tequila
My grandpa used to whip us grankids with his belt, but I know he did it out of love: he really loved whipping children.
That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.
FRIEND:
If you could be there for one moment in time that you’ve only read about in books, or seen in pictures, what would it be? I would have liked to be at the signing of the Declaration of Independence. How about you?ME:
Hold on, I’ll show you.
A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?
courtroom exchange of the day
Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula
8: [looking at a picture list of US presidents]. Why are they all SO OLD?
14: because you have to be old to be the president. Like, 40 and older.
me, 40: what in the shit did you just say?
how do I explain to my gen x parents that the news is something you sit down and watch for 30 minutes and not insidious background noise for the entire day
Custom Auto Painting
Food truck owner:
I said I wanted it painted solid white. What’s with the red splotches?Me: You sell spaghetti.
*falls on hard times*
Hard times: Get off me.
A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.