Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Stop blaming your parents.

You’re 32.

Blame your spouse.

[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player

Muscle memory, but it’s the Amazon driver pulling up to my house on the odd day he doesn’t have a package for us.

Asked my husband why he put his usually-neat bourbon on the rocks and he said it’s because his New Year’s resolution is to drink more water.

“I want to request the next book in this series.”
“Sorry, it looks like that title isn’t coming out until sometime next year.”
“So are you saying you can’t request it?”
“Not yet, no.”
“See, this is why I hate libraries.”
“No, this is why you hate linear time.”

After my husband explained in detail what he does for work, my 6-year-old asked if he has fun at work so clearly he was not listening to a single thing my husband said.

If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.

Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!

Contrary to what Mario Kart led me to believe, banana peels aren’t an effective way to get rid of tailgaters.

On a side note, do you realize how much they’re getting for littering tickets these days???

Since I’ve been scared of flying people have always tried to assuage said fear with “planes are way safer than cars!” and Boeing said “never mind!!!”

Boss: what are you doing?!

Me: *hauling lighter fluid out of my trunk* You said we were having a fire sale

me: I’m broke

therapist: wait, do you mean emotionally or you can’t pay me?

me: emotionally

therapist: *sigh of relief* ok thank god

Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don’t have money to pay the rent and then we’re homeless.

[Later]

6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.

Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.

spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try

what’s more important?

All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.

Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?

Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell

Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.

Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.

I am in my truest form when the food comes at a restaurant and I side-eye plates, suspicious that everyone got more fries than I did.

I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.

Stop normalising things, we’ll run out of the weird shit

My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.

I’ll never forget the day we met. That’s the great thing about police records

don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo

shit just got real

I made up all these romantic scenarios in my brain and you’re not following the script, bro

Get your shit together, people at McDonald’s drive thru who sit there all confused like the menu hasn’t been the same for the last 50 years

Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*

Guy at next urinal: holy shit