Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.

Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.

Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.

It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.

It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”

Son: What’re the trailers for?
Farmer: Goin’ to market.
S: Why 3 of ’em?
F: One carries cows, one hauls pigs.
S: That one?
F: Totes m’goats.

Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.

Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.

They need a coach to help people deplane. “You can do this… grab your bag. You got it. Now go! GO! GO! Get off the plane, you idiot!”

I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!

“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”

I’ve given up trying to remember to bring my bags to the store, now I roll my cart to the car and unload the items one at a time like the Pilgrims used to do

I’m at the age where any time my mom asks if I remember so-and-so from high school, the news is never good

*Dial-up modem gets on stage at a whale rap battle*

“BEEEEEWoooooo BLEEeeeeee BING bing ping”
*drops mic*

*stunned whale crowd loses it*

“dress for the job you want”

There’s a job you want???

Just played that Facebook game where an app tells you what state you’re best suited to be in and I was disappointed it didn’t say unconscious.

My husband asked for a back scratcher for Father’s Day so apparently my days are numbered

If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.

Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.

Plot twist: The Rock isn’t Kid Rock’s real dad.

My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….

My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.

[almost at the moon]

Buzz: *explosive diarrhea* DID YOU PUT SOMETHING IN THE TANG, ARMSTRONG?
Neil: *steals speech out of his pocket* nope

Why is the word prolific only used to describe serial killers. You never hear anyone say “He was the most prolific donut maker you’ve ever seen.”

“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.

My neighbors started fighting and I can hear everything, so yes my life has a meaning again

wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week*
kids: THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES!

Microsoft Word just suggested that I change “you’re” to “you is” so yes, I am very very afraid of what the future of education holds.

Interviewer: says here you’re a sniper
Me [opening gun case]: affirmative
Interviewer: is that a Supersoaker with a Pringles can taped to it