Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I still giggle when i get in an Elevator and someone asks me “Going Down? ” as i am so tempted to say to them “Buy me dinner first”.

Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.

Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them

nothing is funny anymore becuase nothing is normal anymore. i saw a pigeon on the subway today and thought “how did a pigeon make $2.75”

Kudos to the person who invented denim pants.

They were a jeanious.

10 wants everyone to know i’m a horrible parent who never lets him have a friend spend the night tonight. even though he and his friend have spent the night at each others houses back and forth since Monday. kbye

Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish

Him: You need to work on your communication skills

Me: [through megaphone right up in his face] PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC

When asked what deceased historical figure I’d like resurrected to be my dinner companion, I always answer Einstein.

When told it’s an uninspired, clichéd choice, I clarify Milena Einstein.

[after the thousandth time making a mess while cooking eggs]

ME: there’s gotta be a better way!

WIFE: *hands me a pan* stop using the toaster dumbass

Sure, a cooking robot was a great idea til he became sentient & burned your house down cause you didn’t fully appreciate his chicken Vesuvio

Kids: “Mom watch this. Watch this. Mom. Mama. Mama watch this. You’re not looking. Mom look. Look at me. You’re not looking.”

Me: merging onto the highway

That moment when you google a recipe hoping for a list of ingredients and a method, only to find eight pages of guff which begins “I was five when I first realised I had a fear of envelopes…”

In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera

[First date]
Him: So where do you hike?
Me: I don’t hike.
Him: Your profile said you love hiking.
Me: I’m a fiction writer.

Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.

Friend: How many girls did you date before you met your wife?

Me: That was so long ago. Who really rememb-

Wife: Thirty-seven

you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…

me: fork.

what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing

We really need someone to step up while the boss is away

*stands up*

Someone without ice cream on their shirt

*looks down at shirt*

*sits down*

WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children

ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you

I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.

My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed

If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.

I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*

went to the dog hairdresser and (u started reading so u may as well finish) I can’t believe how well she held the scissors in her little paw

If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.

Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.