Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Westjet tells you to show up 2 hours early, which usually means you’ll be arriving at the airport 8 hours before your flight leaves.

if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”

The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.

[Takes dog to park]

*waits for romantic comedy to begin

Me: I’m telling you this place is haunted, I’ve seen ghosts in here!
Roommate: Listen, I’ve lived here for 285 years and I’ve never seen a ghost.

I used to be embarrassed when people held my money up in the light to check for fraud but now it’s just another atta girl that my art degree and life of crime is paying off.

Employee: You know what’s neat?
Me: Whiskey in a glass without ice?

*sees a fly*
ahhh
*trying to swat fly*
nooo
*gives up*
well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol
FLY: *hands me a tiny check*
ME: wat the

Cop: Pullover!

Me: It’s a cardigan.

“Is Phil coming tonight?”
“Phil Smith or Phil that has the eyesight of a bird?”
*suddenly a man runs face first into the sliding glass door*

I don’t work out to lose WEIGHT to look HOTTER. I work out to lose WEIGHT because my WEDDING RING has been stuck on my FINGER since 2021.

Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.

Her: What do you do with the time saved?

Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?

Five Guys: that’ll be $75

Me: [just won the lottery] put another guy in there

HER: I’m ending this
ME: why?
HER: you’re way too literal
ME: I promise I can change
HER: prove it
ME: *puts on a different shirt*

ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat

MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done

What if Bugs Bunny unzipped his face and underneath there was just a stack of cockroaches in a bunny suit?
You’d be all like “We shoulda known! It was right there in the name!”

Sometimes at the airport I’ll ask a stranger if they have an iphone charger and if they do I take mine out and say “nice, me too”

[on first date]
Yes I’ll have the-
*whispers to waiter*
I don’t speak French
*points at menu*
“The French toast, sir?”
Yeah. 6 of those.

[finishing last sip of wine]

waiter: would you like another glass?

me: no just refill this one

Caller ID really needs to be more detailed like “Your neighbor Todd needs help moving a couch” or the “ex wife is on her way over go hide in the basement.

I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.

Every parent: do you know how to get there? You just make a left then right then through 3 lights then a left and it’s a mile ahead on the right

Me: *nods as I type the address into google maps*

blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”

What a cute baby, what’s her name?

“Ethel”

She’s gonna make a great grandmother

I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.

My 13yo’s school supply list had “Trapper Keeper” on it. I thought I was going to have to time travel back to the 80s to grab one until I saw Target had already done that for me and had a few on their shelf.

Today I learned that when getting a pedicure with your wife, don’t tell the salon girl “thanks for the amazing toe job”.

Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on

Doctor said I need to eat more salad.