Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[drive-thru at 2am]

Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!

Neighbor’s mailbox: …

Winnipeg!!

[bartender hands lady drink] courtesy of the gentleman down there
[she takes a sip] is this –
[me from the end of the bar] IT’S MILK

Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.

I wish I could say the massive bruise on my leg is from Kickboxing class, but no. It’s from a door hitting me on a windy day as I walked into a burger joint.

Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why didn’t you text me? I’ll never call you back. Like, ever. You’d have better luck with a telegram.

If only my parents had given me a memorable first name.

I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.

It’s daylight savings time which means the clock in my car is about to be correct again

wife *opens First Aid kit*
me:
wife: Why would you fill it with Cheetos?
me [bleeding] It was funny at the time

20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day

Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.

*one day before marriage*
Parents: Don’t talk to the groom. Don’t see him. Don’t think.

*one day after marriage*
Parents: BABIES, BABIESS!

4 when I ask to play with him: please don’t touch my toys mommy

4 when I’m trying to take a relaxing bath: please accept every toy I own immediately

“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.

Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.

I don’t need a woman to save me from my bad choices per se…but if she knows how to tie a tourniquet, that’s a plus.

me: ever heard of quasimodo

him: doesn’t ring a bell

me: i assure you he does

Hockey is like trying to push a potato bug with golf clubs while the players roller-skate on ice to house music.

A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.

Interviewer: and finally, why do you want to become a police officer.

Me: [thinking of all the awesome parties i’ll finally get called to] help the community obviously

The night is dark and full of terrors.

My day is long and full of meetings.

Same thing.

WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected

ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?

I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..

It’s been 8 months since I joined the gym and no progress. Tomorrow the first thing I’m going there in person to check what’s really going on.

Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”

Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.

[edison inventing lightbulb]

[match appears over his head]

I have an idea

Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.