Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.
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Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
I called my pet rock Stoney, until one day it flew out the front door and hit a car that ran over my mailbox, now the police call it Evidence.
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
6:00am: I’ll go to the gym in 20 minutes
6:20am: I’ll go to the gym in 10 minutes
6:30am: I’ll go to the gym in 5 minutes
6:35am: I’ll go to the gym in 2 minutes
6:37am: What time does McDonald’s open
The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
My son (4 years old), who has grown up watching us talk to Siri and Alexa, thinks you can talk to anything that has a screen or is plugged into the wall. This morning he told the toaster to order him a new lego set.
When your messy bun is really a sloppy bun so your hair keeps tickling your ear and you keep slapping yourself upside the head because it might be a bug even though deep down you know it’s your stupid hair. That’s what today has been like.
“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers
Me : So does that mean my immune system doesn’t have to go to work and can just put it’s feet up?
Doctor: No, I said you have a WEAKENED immune system
I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.
I have a favorite Telehealth doctor I talk to a lot. I said, “I think I’m dying.” She said, “You’re not dying.” I said, “How do you know?” She said, “Because you keep calling me.”
i know what will make the other reindeer like rudolph more – a surprise promotion from the boss on the biggest night of the year
like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.
Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?
Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate
me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
her: sure
me: k
Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.
*shuts down road going both ways*
Right over here, officer. Here is where the accident happened.
*pulls tiny sheet over squirrel*
we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul
Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person
Friend: really?
Me: well apparently not
A reality show where chefs deconstruct recipes and IKEA customers put them back together
guy inventing chess: this is an allegory for the medieval system of monarchy
guy inventing checkers: hoppity hop, hop hop hop
When a millenial asks why everyone in old photos have red eyes I tell them they were too young to remember the great demon uprising of the 1980s.
Sometimes I think I’m pretty well-read and other times I see the word “doing” and pronounce it like it rhymes with “boing.”
Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?
i made my dad a beetloaf and he tried to run me over with his van
I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack
I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.
Be right back. My son who’s slitting enemy throats in “Call of Duty” is screaming for me to kill a centipede.
Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you’re more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don’t do the work