Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.
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Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.
Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”
Titanic (1997)
A woman cheats on her rich fiancé with a homeless guy & then throws a giant diamond into the ocean like a big stupid dummy.
Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.
[interrogation room]
me: tell us
criminal: he’ll kill me if i do
me: you’re making my partner very angry
my partner, who is also the lamp from the pixar intro: [shines light brightly]
criminal: i-
me: [holding back lamp as he tries to jump on criminal] shit that set him off
[Meeting]
CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-
BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]
ex gf moved out and took all the herbs and spices. i will never financially recover from this
“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.
This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021
The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had
If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality
If I had a time machine, I’d go back & mess with myself.
I’d delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.
Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.
baby for sale. refuses to wear shoes
[walking on beach]
[find bottle with message in it]
Message: IS YOUR FRIDGE RUNNING?
[another bottle with message washes against my feet]
[watching basketball]
I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet.
And that’s how you get him to turn off the game.
me: h—
bearded guy with a black & white avi: she was the one that got away; a snowflake in an avalanche, and i was outside the snow globe looking in
7 year old neighbor informed me that they weren’t feelin’ my musical tastes this morning, so I’m not feeling giving him a ride anymore
I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.
Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!
Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.
Having your stuff stolen is the heist form of flattery
90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.
*storms onto stage*
WHERE IS IT
*crowd gasps*
WHERE IS THE OXYGEN
*crowd continues gasping*
Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
latin students necrophiliacs
🤝
enjoying a dead tongue
*Jesus announces he is God’s son*
Questions?
*everyone raises hand*
No I can’t fly
*most hands drop*
Or throw lightning
*rest of hands drop*
I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.
Me: We’re swimming in debt
Wife: It’s fine
Me: The kids are going nuts
Wife: They’re fine
Me: You haven’t had a break in months
Wife: I’m fine
Me: There’s a possibility that word does not mean what you think it means
Wife: I’M FINE