Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.

I asked my dad what his favorite joke was.

He said, “I can’t pick a favorite. I love you and your sister equally!”

my aunt: why u kids always on them phones cant u have a real conversation
me: *puts down phone* *crosses legs* why did u melt the ice caps

Reporter: *ports again*

Turning regret into ulcers since 1996

Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”

In my 20’s: jingle all the way!

In my 40’s: jingle til around six thirty

of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare

BOSS: Show the new guy around.

(Hours Later)

NEW GUY: I think the boss meant around the office.

ME: *holding my model planes* You don’t like my house?

I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.

[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!

“Come on man! I’m sure your superpower is cool! Show me!
“Ok” *stares at two glasses of soda* the diet is on the right.”
“Wow um..neat…”

Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.

If you care about someone,
even a little bit.
I beg of you.
Please.
TELL THEM WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR TEETH.

A male goth is called a broth.

Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress

I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.

[trying to get out of date]
ME: Oh sorry, I have a missed call from 911
HIM: That’s not how-
ME: *mouthing* IT’S AN EMERGENCY

Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people

[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]

Beavers: Booooo!

Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds

Friend: That just means it’s settling

My fiancee: *creaky sounds*

If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.

I think my cats hate people as much as I do.

Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the bed with me.

[date]

HER: Any hobbies?

ME: I collect old comics

HER: Oh! Like 1st editions?

ME: [flashback to Billy Crystal tied up in basement] Sure

Sure Charlie got himself a Chocolate Factory, but his grandparents got to stay in bed for 20 years so ask yourself who were the real winners

A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.

Had to go to grocery store this morning. Out of habit, I put on lipstick. Had to take it off to put on my mask because the last thing I need is to look like the Joker on top everything else going wrong in this world.

[texting]

Wife: Clean out your bowels.

Me: OK.

Wife: *bowls. The ones in the sink

Me: *chugging laxatives* Damn it.

“Everyone says they’re voting for Clinton or Trump, but I’m voting for Regina George because she got hit by a bus.”