Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??

[being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?

I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game

Close your eyes. Picture a world without hunger. Open your eyes. I ate your sandwich.

you gotta be faster

first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?

If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.

So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.

I don’t know who needs to hear this but, your fingers will never get sticky if you eat your chicken wings while you’re taking a bubble bath

If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.

(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??

Sorry, I’m using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.

I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.

Meow

Store policy: You break it you buy it.

Cat policy: you by it you break it.

“a perfectly placed emoji is better than good punctuation.. ”
said No Teacher ever

Me: You owe me $33.50

Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*

Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”

Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade

Me: Sweet!

Clerk: Exactly

[cop directing traffic holds up hand for me to stop] Ok but I’m stopping bc I want to not bc you told me to

As a copywriter, I’ve noticed more people are using ‘whilst’ instead of ‘while.’ WHILE you can use either, WHILST is formal so it always sounds pompous and full of shit. Would you say WHOMST? No you WOULDST NOT.

Do we have a gender neutral pronoun yet?

Monster mom: Is it a GIRL?
Monster dad: Is it a BOY?

Midwife: It has 12 fingers and 4 toes. Just be grateful you created a monster!

Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person

Let’s give a big round of applause to everyone on Facebook who went to the gym today even though they “hate it”!! They are the real heroes.

Other parents might understand this fear, I woke up to a text from my daughter that she sent at 12:32am

Daughter-you awake?

Me: (5 hours later) I just saw this, omg are you ok?

Daughter: oh yea I’m ok, I just wanted to know your potato salad recipe.

You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.

ME: On the one hand, I have this weird rash. And on the other hand

DATE: ??

ME: It’s on both hands, I should probably see a doctor

TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.

happy valentine’s day to me