Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.

using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me

“my therapist actually told me im right and you’re wrong” oh really? your therapist who you pay $300 an hour, who only heard your side of the story, told you you’re right?

Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?

Pains me to say it, but I have chapped lips.

DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?

Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody

(gets elected)

Me: I never said that.

GF: “Call me ASAP, it’s an emergency!”

Me: “Hi ASAP, it’s an emergency!”

If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality

I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.

me: it’s okay in my book

5: what book? can I see the book?

me: it’s hypothetical

5: what’s hypothetical mean?

me: well, um, hold on, there’s gotta be a book around here somewhere…

If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.

wife: “no one will remember dont worry”
me: “ok”
[2 mins into my high school reunion]
guy: “yo are you the dude that brought a dog to prom?”

I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.

Watching A Quiet Place and being reminded of all those times I’ve got home drunk trying to be as quiet as possible……I’d be dead in the first 30 seconds of this movie.

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”

Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized

if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks

Good morning! Today I am manifesting the following:

-you having a good day
-a plain toasted cinnamon raisin bagel
-$50
-the total & complete downfall & internal collapse of my landlord’s morally bankrupt HOA
-weather that only requires a light coat

[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]

Guy who treats establishing shots like people on here treat sex scenes. Rolls his eyes any time we see a building’s exterior. “The characters are inside. Why do we need to see what the house looks like from the street.” Loudly groans whenever someone pulls up somewhere in a car

Stop saying “start a family” when you mean “have kids”. A couple is still a family. A single person and her cat is a family. A couple and their plants are still a family. Three weirdly close roommates could be a family. You don’t need kids to be a family.

I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.

Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.

[trick-or-treating]

Her: *crying* Mommy, she gave me an orange with a pumpkin drawn on it!

Me: Honey, hold mommy’s flask for a minute.

ME (age 32): I never had many friends growing up idk why

ME (age 12): I hope my baby legs fall out soon so my adult legs can grow in

If a cop pulls you over and walks up holding a notepad, don’t order breakfast. Apparently it’s not amusing, I’ve already tried it.

That first coffee be like oh you’re awake HA just kidding.

If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.