Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”

~me, when I can’t open the cheese

(Boarding flight to Iowa)

9 yo: what kind of food do they eat in Iowa?

12 yo: corn on the cob

9 yo: what else?

12 yo: corn off the cob

Kittens in my mind: *sweet, adorable, soft, snuggly kitty-witties*

Kittens in rl: I WILL MURDER YOU SLOWLY WITH MY TINY RAZOR NEEDLE CLAWS, STARTING WITH YOUR LEGS

I just want someone to tell me how strong I am after I open a difficult container

GUY: Hey, hold the elevator!
ME: *laughs to myself as I don’t hold the elevator* It’s the little things that make life worth living.

*12 hours later*

GUY: *who is apparently building maintenance* I was trying to warn you it was broken.

Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.

Saw an old man dancing in the street, and couldn’t help but wonder if he had finally paid off his student loan.

I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese’s pieces

He pulls a gun and demands my wallet
I slowly pull down my t-shirt collar, revealing a shark-tooth necklace
Trembling, he backs away slowly

u can always tell when a man is dating someone new. why you going to aquarium and griffith observatory

Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’

I love Sunday nights because that’s the night I ask my kids if they have any homework that needs to get done & always get a resounding “NO!”

And then someone will be asking for printer paper at 11pm.

Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.

Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I’m crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he’s the one that’s married.

Magazines are for your self esteem.

-New Yorker: You’re so uncultured.
-Cosmo: Your body is garbage.
-Forbes: Hey there, peasant.

“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack

If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.

2 wants to be a firefighter when she gets big so she can “save all da people from da pigeons and spiders.” You’re welcome.

My next door neighbor invited me to a party at his place, but he’s creepy, so I didn’t go. The next day when he asked why I didn’t show up, I couldn’t think of an excuse, so I said I couldn’t find parking. He just nodded and said “Next time, take a Uber.”

My 9: what language does toast speak?

French toast.

*gets on 1 knee*
Jenny…
“OMG”
*places hand on heart and starts crying*
“This is great!”
*gets on 2nd knee*
I’m having a heart attack

lumberjacks will cut a birch

Three dinosaurs come across a magic lamp. Out pops a genie who grants them 3 wishes. The first dinosaur wishes for a big hunk of meat. The second wishes for a shower of meat. The third dinosaur not to be outdone wishes for a meatier shower.

Daughter: Here you go!
Me: You’re my favorite.
Son: Yesterday, you said I was your favorite!
Me: Yesterday, you were closest to the remote.

Roman 1: you won’t believe how many women I’ve slept with
Roman 2: mmm?
Roman 1: don’t be ridiculous, not that many

Me: I need a four-letter word for identical

Her: same

Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus

me: a carrot is a crop

friend: yes

me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top

former friend: i suppose

girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s texas chainsaw massacre.

who called it girl dinner and not the female graze.