Hotel garbage cans are way too small.
How the hell am I supposed to fit my 8 take out containers, 5 empty bottles of wine, and cake tin in there?!
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INSTRUCTIONS FOR HUSBANDS TOLD TO DO LAUNDRY:
1.Know when to hold em
2.Know when to fold em
3.Know when to walk away
4.Know when to run
Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.
I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.
beware of dog
What is a magic bullet?
A. A theory about the assassination of Kennedy.
B. A fancy blender
C. A fancy blender that assassinated Kennedy
Recipe idea: Add ADDITIONAL cheese to your frozen pizza to make pizza with EXTRA CHEESE! (Ladies, you may pin this on your pinny web thing.)
The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.
4yo: I had a dream about u mommy
Me: I feel so special
4yo: I flushed u down the toilet
Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
Oh sure, when my cat brings you a dead animal it’s because she’s giving you a present, but when I do it, I’m a “psychopath.”
My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.
When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.
I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current”
Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.
What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency
I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.
As I sit here watching my 9y/o throw a tantrum because his homework is too hard I wonder where YouTube went wrong in raising my children.
I admire the guy who named duct tape. He was a marketing genius. He knew naming it abduct tape would be more accurate, but a harder sell.
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
I thought I’d buy all my scratch off lottery tickets at the busiest gas station in town. What? Oh no I don’t know which ones I’ll pick them out when i get to the register
interviewer: we’ve decided to go with another candidate
me [slides can of spinach across table]: what about now?
interviewer: wrong popeyes
me [slides second can of spinach across table]: and now?
⚠️ Important Reminder:
I don’t want to whine about how muggy it is but there’s a smallmouth bass right now hanging behind my right shoulder spell checking my tweet.
He says it’s ok.
My dad can get into “dad-mode” sometimes. He’s a doctor who is worried about the virus, and told me, his 24 year old son, in a 5 min rant that this isn’t the time to be trying to have a lot of “play-dates”. So if you were trying to play after school im sorry my dad said we cant
People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.
I couldn’t own a dog. The look of disappointment in its eyes when I throw a ball as far as I can and it lands right in front of me.
APOLOGISE NOW!!!
Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.
Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.
Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!
I’m not saying it would kill me to work out, I’m just saying my wife bought me a gym membership and doubled my life insurance…