[First target practice]
Son: I missed
Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.
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Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.
i think anyone who has ever had beautiful styled hair or tried to hold a big pile of leaves in their hands will know the trouble a gust of wind can cause.
Happy Passive Aggressive day! Don’t worry, I didn’t want you to get me anything anyway. No, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.
Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.
It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.
The car’s navigation system warned me of a pothole and then asked if it was still there. Not only is it still there, it has friends.
Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of
OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail
*hits bong*
*abuses bong*
*bong calls bong protection agency*
*bong custody taken*
*bong put in foster home*
*bong misses old life*
I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.
And that is why she will always be my favourite child.
I, for one, like it when blackberry seeds get stuck in my teeth at breakfast. Gives me little mouth missions to accomplish throughout the day.
I guess somewhere around the age of 12 it became my turn to go on the computer, and it still is. my turn just didn’t end. more than a decade later I’m still here, on the computer
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
Masseuse (whispers in my ear): Hey baby, would you like a happy ending?
Me: [flashback to end of Infinity Wars] Yes, please
🛁
Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado
Barista: What’s a furtado?
Me: It’s like a bird
I’m not a religious person but I am thankful that God didn’t make spiders that fly.
Doctor: “I need to draw some blood.”
Me: “Okay.”
Doctor: “Do you have a red crayon I could borrow?”
I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.
me and my buddies are playing “soup fight”. that’s where we each embody a different vegetable and get in a nice hot tub together. and then we fight
Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.
It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.
oh you like road-trips? name every road then
*uses blood from wounds to write my killer’s name on the floor*
I…will be…avenged. NO! BAD DOG! DON’T LICK THAT! DADDY NEEDS JUSTICE!
Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.
My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.
As Elon Musk opens a huge underground tunnel in LA, critics question his motives after a Thai football team is seen wandering into it.
someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??
Daughter: I want some of your coffee!!!
Me: Not if you ask like that! Grumpy girls don’t get coffee.
Husband: *from the other room* OH, is that so!?