Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

just wanna disappear into a forest but, like, with modern appliances and Wi-Fi

got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff

Him: You’re sexy as hell.

Her: I’m an atheist.

Him: You’re sexy as vast abysmal and empty nothingness.

Her: Awwwww, thank you.

I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.

i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times

[Jr. Biology class, girls in jumpsuits burst in]

OK, who’s ready for fun? We’re The Photosynthesisters & we’re gonna talk 2 U about PLANTS!

My teen said I have a lot of fashionable clothes “because stuff from the 1900s is back in style” and I wonder if that includes washing a sassy teen’s mouth out with soap.

[Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]

30 seconds later…

Kid: Look mom fur angels

After he passed, we wanted to honor Uncle Jim’s lifelong passion for recycling. Trust me, this is far less disturbing than the coat hooks at Bill’s house, or that thing in Aunt Janet’s nightstand.

apart from It’s ok
what other death threats
do women use?

Me: I could tell you, but I’d have to-
Him: Kill me? hahaha
Me: No, talk to you. And I don’t wanna do that.

Would like to think i’m a chill person but i did a jigsaw puzzle the other day with people who had bad puzzle etiquette and i nearly put my fist through the glass top of the coffee table.

Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.

I love writing tweets but what I really want to do is direct and produce them

Inmate: here’s the rule: find the biggest, baddest dude in the yard and…
Me: (sigh) don’t fall in love…

Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.

This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.

Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.

*Discussing the school nativity play*

Me: Who’s Mary?

7: She’s Jesus’s mum.

Me: Yes, who’s playing her.

7: Dunno.

Me: Who’s Joseph?

7: He’s Mary’s husband.

Me:

Some guy called me a siren.
It’s like he doesn’t even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.

‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.

They just announced step away from the windows at O’Hare because of a tornado warning and crazy storm, so about 10 people got up and walked towards the windows to take pictures.

An adult trying to be mean has never hurt my feelings as much as a child just asking questions.
Yesterday a 5-year-old saw me without my glasses and, horrified, said “is that what you look like in real life??”

Panda bears are proof that it’s okay to be kind of an idiot as long as you’re super adorable

I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.

i’ll see you in court (at the marriage registry) (i love you)

my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards

Was my family happy about the new “no phones at the dinner table” rule? No. But did we have some great conversations as a result? Also no.

I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes