me: how was your camping trip
5 y/o: good
me: what’d you guys do
5 y/o: camped
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Alicia Keys: 🎶 I keep on fallin’ 🎵
Me: *strategically positions pillows around Alicia*
My kid: mumma today we met our teacher’s teacher. Our grand-teacher.
Yes, I would take a bullet for you.
We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?
Jurassic park gets weird
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
Plot twist:
“Luke, I am your Mother.” – Yoda
GF: “Call me ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Me: “Hi ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Pretty burnt out on the typical lead female in a book who can do anything, and every man wants her. How about a middle aged woman who has had two gin & tonics by 5:30, is wearing sweats, and is glad there’s leftovers so she doesn’t have to cook yes this tweet is oddly specific.
Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.
So, I got banned from the toy store today…
Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?
Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper
The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard
people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service
Me: I can’t find clothes for a toddler
Salesman: Have you looked for 12-15 months?
Me: No, just half an hour
yes yes a thousand times yes!
When does CPR become necrophilia?
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
Main problem with house prices is the numbers are simply Too Big. What is six hundred thousand dollars. That’s just word salad. A house should be “fifty bucks”
I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
Review for this new shatter I just tried:
Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.
If Michael Jackson wasn’t buried in his Thriller outfit, who will teach the zombies to dance in the upcoming apocalypse.
[Shopping with $100]
As a child: Look at how much stuff I can buy!
As an adult: Why is this bath towel $15?
Guys, don’t panic if you find a sticky note from your wife in the morning with only the word “garbage” on it. It’s probably just trash day.
My husband went for a “quick nap” so after an hour I sent the kids upstairs with a recorder, harmonica and tambourine to play that song he likes
Me: I played this as a kid. It’s from back when video games made sense
6-year-old: Why did you jump on a turtle?
Me: Because I’m a plumber
Is my life this bad because I didn’t forward that email to 15 people back in 2007?
dracula: *bites neck*
me: oh, I should probably warn you-
dracula: *dies*
me: i am 50% garlic bread
I let my kid stir the pancake batter and now he keeps asking for the whisk-y, going to have a lot of explaining to do at preschool