Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.

Rose: I’ll never let go

Jack: are you sure aboat that lol

Rose: wow you make a lot of puns, I never noticed before

Jack: does it give you a sinking feeling lmaoo

Rose: maybe you should let go

If you watch the Mighty Ducks backwards it’s about a hockey team that starts sucking so bad that the coach leaves and becomes an alcoholic.

Pro tip:

Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex

I don’t wanna brag, but I remember 2024 like it was yesterday

I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.

The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.

[Job Interview]
“It says here under skills, that you can eat rice?”

*Eats rice with chop sticks*

“Holy shit! When can you start?!”

Me: “I mean, how can Harry Potter be the best Quidditch Seeker when he’s the only one with glasses?”
Librarian: “Just pay your fine, Ma’am.”

Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.

Relationship status: Sometimes I have imaginary conversations with supermodels.
Her: What an incredibly handsome and witty thing to say.

It’s the year 2354, the world is now like that futuristic Bruce Willis movie.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No,

A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave

This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.

I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.

I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.

Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!

I never realised how much of a fidget that I was until I was watching a movie and my fitbit told me that I only had 10 more steps for the entire hour…when I was sitting down the whole time

My yoga studio has two rooms so there’s a power yoga class at the same time as prenatal. And today the power yoga teacher didn’t show up so uh shout out to all the guys who joined in pregnancy yoga and did fantastic. welcome to your pelvic floor

My diorama of the Three Little Pigs mise-en-scéne was overshadowed by my sister’s master’s degree. I’m not mad, but I’ll probably cancel the show.

mom: you’re grounded

me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me

[20 years later]

amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm

Pizza: You should totally eat all of me. Like, all by yourself.
Me: What? No way.
Pizza: Why not?
Me: That’s a really good point.

[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars

Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Why are you laughing?
A J O K E
Tell me?
W H Y D I D T H E M A N D I E A L O N E
I don’t get it
Y O U W I L L

Guests: [sitting down for Thanksgiving dinner]

Me: Oh. You’re staying?

Those guys who came by the office to ask for protection money kept breaking things. Like I’m going to pay people that clumsy to protect me!

[First Date]
HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist?
ME: Oh I’m not feminist at all!
HER:
ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.

Person: I’m a spelling bee champion.

Me: Bee isn’t that hard to spell.

Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.

The cynicism of those who urge me not to do what I can to help the Nigerian royal family.