Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can’t grow flowers for shit but my old neglected potatoes in a grocery bag in the basement just grew legs and marched up here

I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.

Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.

*Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*

Well that sucked.

Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”

[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”

Me: Sit.
Dog: (confused dog look)
Me: Stay!
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)

my family doesn’t play board games at Christmas anymore since that one year my sister ripped a Monopoly board in half and Risk caused a divorce

Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.

…. I have learned nothing.

Husband called to me tonight, “What’re you doing in the bathroom? Kids need to get in bed.”

I will make his obituary as eloquent as I can.

things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…

Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.

My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.

There are usually two types of merchants.

MY KID: can you do a cartwheel?

ME: not if i want to live

You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.

Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.

[Me visiting US for the first time]

Friend: This is a dollar store
Me: Why’s it called that?
Friend: Cos everything costs a dollar
Me: How’s about this candy bar?
Friend: Duh, it’s a dollar
Me: Cool. OK, I’ll buy this pack of pens
Assistant: That’s $1.08

Doctor: Your children are very healthy

Me: Good

Doctor: They’re getting bigger and stronger

Me: I know

Doctor: And they’re going to get even bigger and even stronger

Me: *trembling* I know

Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.

Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.

My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.

if HBO wants me to watch a Game Of Thrones spin off I want a personal apology for season 8. 12 pt font, double spaced, no funny business on the margins

An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…

I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.

I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.

I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble

I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.

My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁

Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.

Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.