Me: how was your date?
Friend: I ruined her panties.
M: Wow that’s hot man.
F: No she got food poisoning from my cooking, bro.
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director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother
disney: sounds great, let’s add murder
You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.
Tai Chi is so crazy because it’s like throwing a slow motion tantrum.
Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples
Agent: I have a script for you.
Daniel Radcliffe: Is it weird?
Agent: Yes.
Radcliffe: I’ll do it.
I hate when I wake up hungry and stay that way for 32 years
Is Miley Cyrus pregnant? Will The government stay shut down? Will the GTA online servers work? Find out on the next episode of Dragon Ball Z
My 4yo told me to hold her baby as she walked away with her dad. My 4yo left me in a restaurant alone with a fake baby in my arms. I should’ve put the the baby down, but I didn’t. I just held it like a real baby. Why? Idk why. Parenthood is wild.
the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes
If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
[cuddling w/ 5 yr old son]
I hope he wants to do this forever
[25 yrs later]
this has lost its charm
In todays addition of what will we find when we take off our bra…two legos AND a winning lotto ticket! Just kidding that would be so awesome but it was just two legos.
I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers
…until I’m driving.
My wife and I toss a coin to settle our arguments. If the coin comes down, she wins, if it stays suspended in air forever, I win.
*stares off into the distance*
Distance: I have a boyfriend
My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: *leaves on read*
Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that
“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.
My boyfriend thinks I ask “dumb questions” like “would you love me if I were a worm” and then turns around and asks me shit like do I think it would be funny if he started doing Patrick Bateman’s care routine as a bit
me: i just saw a huge rat
starbucks employee: what
me: sorry i just saw a venti rat
employee: omg where
Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype
I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.
[carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full
HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump
ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen
The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?