Me: how was your day?
3yo: goob
Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?
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3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:
At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up
Eggnog is one of my top ten favorite nogs
please tinder add AI to your app. i dont want to be involved in the modern dating experience. let a robot do it for me. let the machines suffer in our place
I just realized that I’m using a new phone that has never been dropped. How coo
[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me**Prius spins out of control*
Thug life.
Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.
Dog: BORK BORK BORK
Human: STOP BARKINGHow Dog Interprets this exchange
Dog: LOUD NOISES
Human: ALSO LOUD NOISES
Dog: O COOL WE R MAKIN LOUD NOISES TOGETHER NOW FREN LETS KEEP GOIN
Human: MORE LOUD NOISES
Dog: UR SO GOOD AT THIS
scoring in hockey: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in baseball: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in basketball: 2, 4, 6, 8, 10
scoring in tennis: love, 15, 30, 40, turkey sandwich, spider, 57, keanu reeves
Walmart flexes on me by putting two gallons of milk and a cantaloupe in one bag and a single taco seasoning packet in another.
calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 🙁
“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
Her: I still think that’s a stupid name for a dog
Me: how dare you, I named him after my grandfather
[Earlier]
Me: aww looks like Grandpa has the zoomies
*animal dies in a movie*
this is the saddest thing I’ve ever seen*robot dies in a movie*
omg why am I crying it’s just a robot*human dies in a movie*
yes yes kill them all
Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.
10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.
My toddler pretended to leave for work this morning with no pants and a lunchbox full of mini donuts so my question is where do I apply for this job
🤣🤣
Hey y’all, I finally got a smart phone. I’m a big girl now!
Anyone got a 5 year old I can borrow to teach me how to use the damn thing?
WHEN CATS ARE SAD
Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.
Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.
I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife
I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3
Zookeeper: Sir, please leave the hippo enclosure.
Me: No. This is my family now.
ZK: They don’t actually eat marbles.
Me: I’m coming out.
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.
My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”
Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.
If Christian Bale has never cancelled a date and said “sorry to Bale on you” then I don’t think he is living life to the fullest.
Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always “no MSG” me back
Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad