me: how was your day
5: my day was horrible! i wanted to stay home but you made me go to school so i went! but then i went to the library and got a book, and made a book mark. it was great!
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I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
5 and I are playing “guess the number I’m thinking of” with no limits and no clues. He’s guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!
Old Spice 14-in-1 body wash, shampoo, conditioner, face wash, moisturizer, toothpaste, super glue, mouth wash, shaving cream, caulk, aftershave, lube, energy drink, cream cheese
Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.
My grandmother reached 100 yesterday!
That’s the last time I get in the car with her when she’s late for bingo.
Remember that time when we got trapped on a ski-lift for 4 days, then the acid wore off and we were just sitting on my grandmas porch-swing.
Friend: Actually I met my partner on Twitter!
Me: I’m so sorry. Here if you need to talk ❤️
Friend: …no? It’s a good thing?
Me: *hand on their shoulder* Sure it is buddy
[chiropractor]
Dr., your client Tony is here
-Tony? The guy whose skin is made of bubble wrap
Yes
-Oh hell yes clear the rest of my schedule
I’m quiet and not great about confronting neighbors, so I renamed our wifi Everyone Hates Your Rooster, Greg.
Next time during church, stand up and ask your pastor “Have you ever turned down heroin?” Both Yes and No are equally entertaining answers.
Taurus: Resist temptation in all its forms, but especially in the form of a pie sitting under a crate propped up by a stick with a string tied to it.
Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
Please don’t feed the Kardashians.
How long do you have to wait between naps?
My son just tripped over some toys and was convinced his 1yo sister set a trap for him. Utterly ridiculous.
It was me.
If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.
If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.
30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion
Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.
*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird
There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle
Yaba daba do not resuscitate
I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking
People can’t drive.
Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights.
What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??
Last Christmas I requested the electric chair for my mother-in-law and Santa brought her a motorised recliner. FML!
I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party
me: [hiring a hitman] now how can we make my songs better
I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option
scoring in hockey: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in baseball: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in basketball: 2, 4, 6, 8, 10
scoring in tennis: love, 15, 30, 40, turkey sandwich, spider, 57, keanu reeves