Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken

[in court]

me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard

judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know

What type of magazine do cows read?

Cattlelogs.

Little Known Fact:
Bon Jovi has five brothers: Bon Joi, Bon Joii, Bon Joiii, Bon Joiv and Bon Jov

i’m laughing very hard in real life

A visual representation of how much I think countries look like a chicken nugget. More green = more nuggety.

Me, making resolutions in January: This is the year I work on myself for a change.

And then 2020 laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.

Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.

Me: how was school?

Son: I cried today.

Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.

Son: and I peed on my teacher.

Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.

Wife: stop.

If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.

Couldn’t find my credit card while in line at the market.

*panic sets in.

Then I remember…yesterday I gave it to my daughter to pick up take-out….So she still has it.

*extreme panic sets in

ME: is he always this quiet

WIDOW: *sobs harder*

Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.

girl: wanna have car sex?

me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler

My kids publicly asked Santa for a baby brother, and my husband and I publicly yelled for him to “SHUT IT DOWN NOW, SANTA!”

The point of your 20s

I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.

But, yeah, let me raise two kids.

trump: ban muslims
jeb bush: i disagree. just like dad would. who used to be president
ben carson: how did spongebob make fire underwater

me: your dad and i were married 7 yrs before we had you
12: why would you wait so long to have such an amazing experience

People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.

I was thinking about drinking less beer but I knew I couldn’t do it if I always have cold ones ready to go.

It was self a self fridge-filling prophecy

I wish this was real life…

You: I’m so hard on myself.

People on the internet: Hold my beer.

Who invented Bull Riding? Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me.

I wish someone would leave a horse’s head in my bed so that when my kids sneak up on me in the morning, I can be like, BAM, horse’s head.

[Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*

“Turn chicken shit into chicken salad” is a terrible saying. I still don’t wanna eat that chicken salad. It used to be chicken shit

[at a child’s birthday party]
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: uhh, that one
L: that’s my daughter
M: *grabs the cake and runs*

I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.

Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?

Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.