Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

5: I cleaned my room.

Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.

5: No. Next time you can do it.

Me: okay, hit me

Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*

Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT

Kid: *from the back seat* Daddy, when a snowflake gets made, how does one side know what the other side looks like?

Me: It’s because…holy shit

Kid: You just ran that stop sign

Me: Shut up give me a second

I made some fish tacos today…

But they just ignored them and swam away…

People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up

When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.

Me: How old is your daughter?

Her: She’ll be 4 next week.

Me: *audible sigh
(Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she… NOW.

My nephew, who’s about to turn 9, has asked for only one thing for his birthday: a clown ventriloquist puppet. In other news, I told my sister I’m no longer available for babysitting

Cab driver earlier asked if I minded listening to some traditional French music. It was lovely until his accordion got wrapped around the steering wheel and we went through a fence.

[carrying my bratty kids into the hospital]

hi, I would like to make a return

Told my kids I’m gonna be a toilet for Halloween cause of all the shit I take from them.

“Smell ya later”

-me, to my asparagus

Me: *sings bedtime song*

4: I like that song

Me: *Sing song again*

4: I didn’t say I wanted it again

Me: *Stops singing song*

4: Why did you stop singing

Me: *Hands child to her dad and schedules emergency therapy session*

*plays Eye of the Tiger*

*starts runni…*

*yeah, screw this*

Me: *explains math problem*

Tween: I don’t understand.

Me: *explains the exact same way except more aggravated*

Age 17: I can’t wait to travel the world!

Age 37: Feeling kind of adventurous. Might go to the “good” grocery store 15 miles away.

FRIEND: I hate when people refer to their pets as children.
ME: You do that all the time with your dog.
FRIEND: I don’t have a dog.
ME: …
FRIEND: Are you referring to my toddler?
ME: …Probably.

[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”

Where’s my employee discount too?

never seen my husband madder than the time i snuck on his facebook and blindly ‘liked’ every single post on the feed for 10 minutes

Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.

Had a great convo w someone I really admire and then immediately walked into a glass door. The lord giveth and the lord wrecketh away

But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?

Panda bears are proof that it’s okay to be kind of an idiot as long as you’re super adorable

How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War

I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.

6: I want to grow my hair longer.

Me: Oka—

6: So I can bite it.

Me:

ex gf moved out and took all the herbs and spices. i will never financially recover from this

Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???