Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know
You Might Also Like
In hindsight, when I caught up with my old friends and told them their kids were shooting up, I should have clarified I was talking about their height.
Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.
I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.
[ouija board]
me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now
ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E
me: ….please stop
The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.
Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.
Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]
Husband: We should go to Costco.
Me [still in pajamas]: So I should change?
H: I said Costco, not Walmart.
Me:*puts on nicer pajamas*
You might remember me from such productions as Skirt Tucked Into Pantyhose, or, Oh! You Weren’t Waving at Me.
To sell their vehicles one company is featuring a heart felt country ballad, “I’ve got a heart like a truck.” So, if you live in the suburbs do you have a heart like a four door sedan?
Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.
Everyone says to marry your best friend but her husband gets all pissed off whenever I suggest it.
[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]
Bedtime.
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
I have a friend who writes music about sewing machines. He’s a singer songwriter.
Or sew it seams.
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted
Brain: Compliment her eyes
Me: Yeah?
Brain: Trust me“YOUR EYES ARE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRIES & THEY’RE PROBABLY SQUISHY TOO.”
Brain: Perfect!
COP: Can you describe your attacker?
ME: No
COP: Didn’t you see him?
ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives
i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham
Lonely? Just glue a coffee cup to the roof of your car. Everyone will wave to you.
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
what’s the funniest celebrity name if you swap their initials? I’m torn between Wenzel Dashington and Hom Tanks
Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.
*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!
Thank you, they came with the frame.
Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.
Despite standing in the same spot and yelling “Dad!” 427 times, my daughter is nowhere closer to finding where her dad is.
[leaning over and kissing my spouse’s forehead]
“Rest in peace.”
My spouse opens their eyes: I really don’t like it when you kiss me goodnight that way.
I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.
[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]
I’m protesting the climate.
Marked down Easter Reese’s Peanut butter cups got me forgetting I’m supposed to be intermittent fasting.