Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know
You Might Also Like
If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.
[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack
On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.
I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID
ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook
84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them
“YOU HAVEN’T GOTTEN OFF THAT COUCH ALL DAY!!!”
-my wife yelled, failing to even ACKNOWLEDGE my three trips to the bathroom this morning
*my friend pulling the dog’s tail after his surgery*
why isn’t this lamp working
I received many personality traits from my mom, but she got her short temper from me.
All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies
Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.
Me: …dare.
Please keep my baby in your thoughts. I wouldn’t let her pull the carbon monoxide detector off the wall and no greater tragedy has ever befallen a child in time past.
“Gotta wake up early”
*sets alarm for 5am*
*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*
*goes back to sleep*
Me: My eyes are up here
Picasso: I disagree
I am not lying, autocorrect just tried to change “first” to Furstenberg like wtf when I have ever texted Furstenberg?!?
THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?
ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy
Any beach is a nude beach if you drink enough alcohol
Her: We had our friend for dinner.
Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.
Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.
When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.
“What should we call the big finger?”
“‘Thumb’ seems as good as any.”
“Impressive. What about this smallest one?”
“PINKY!”
“………….”
looking back on it, it’s even funnier how those celebrities decided it was time to sing us that “Imagine” montage after being stuck inside for like 36 hours
This remains in the top 10 best memes of all time.
[being chased around my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP, THIS IS JUST SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
Washing machine: Hey, your laundry’s done.
Me: May I have it?
Washing machine: No, hang on, I need 30 seconds to say goodbye.
Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.