Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.

linkedin the good parts

It used to be cool to see fighters from different disciplines compete in mixed martial arts, but then the guys with swords started winning everything and they had to change the rules.

why is everyone yelling about nude ears

My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.

Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.

My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.

Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.

I own 2 crabs. One is happy and the other is grumpy. The happy one is crab A.

The grumpy one is crab B.

Ugh I can’t stand him. I’m not gonna go into it but let me just say this…
[40 min later]
…and you should see the way he ties his shoes, I hope he dies

I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.

Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.

this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead

My 7 year old asked me if he could have a poster of an “artist named Eminem” and I flexed on him by telling him how I saw Eminem live in his hometown of Detroit.

I bet a lot of guys who don’t think that rape is a big deal were super upset when that U2 album was put on their phone without consent.

Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
Give him fish again the second day and he will complain about having to eat the same food everyday.

Prime ribs are just like regular ribs except they’re only divisible by themselves.

Me: Why is your face so cold??

Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.

They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.

So many village idiots. So few dragons.

The International Space Station was assembled IN SPACE.
I can’t follow one page of illustrated instructions to assemble an IKEA dresser.

I love how girls say that they like a guy with a sense of humour and yet you’ll never find a poster of Mr Bean on their wall.

Me: I think that’s Dave

Wife: It’s not Dave

Me: Gonna wave to him

Wife: Don’t!

Me: Hey Dave!

Auctioneer: New bidder at $80,000

Me: It’s not Dave

😂😂

Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”

Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you

I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.

I’m not a helicopter mom.

I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.

I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.

im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying