Me: How was your first day of school?
5-year-old: Long.
Me: I’m sure tomorrow will be better.
5-year-old: Wait, I have to go back?
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When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
surfer priest: so, like, jesus & his bros were at dinner one night & he stood up & said, “the one who doesn’t order the fish tacos is gonna, like, totally betray me,” & his bros were all, like, “no waaay, we wouldn’t do that,” & judas was, like, “i’m sooo sick of fish tacos.”
Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.
Me: *picks up crock pot
I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z
Me: I can never hear the alarm in the morning anymore.
Wife: Me either. We are getting old.
Me: Nah, I think it’s because we have become used to annoying sounds.
Wife: What do you mean-
[Kids start imitating hyenas]
-nevermind.
[horse walks into a bar]
Bartender: Why the long face?
H: The world is spiraling down the crapper.
BT: You’re supposed to say-
H: Just pour.
Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.
– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.
No, I don’t need a bag; I’m gonna juggle this 12 pack, this bag of ice and this whole roasted chicken on my unicycle while whistling Dixie.
COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.
My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.
Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.
She promised to teach me wax on, wax off. Only now my chest is bare, I’m frightened of candles, and pretty sure I still don’t know karate.
Feed two birds with one scone?? Lol why would I give those dumb birds my tasty delicious scone? I’d sooner hit two birds with a rock or something than give them my lil treat
My toddler kept asking for uncle hall and I’m like dude we don’t have an uncle hall in our family. Turns out he was asking for ALCOHOL so I was all dude you’re just 3yo so would you rather beer or wine?
Me to the ice maker: Can I please just have a few cub-
Ice dispenser: YOU MUST SACRIFICE 20 CUBES TO THE FLOOR GOD!!!
It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza
Look,if they showed up and watched the entire Super Bowl and had a good time with everyone.Then washed the dishes,cleaned up, did the laundry, washed your car and cooked dinner afterwards then you just might have found Valentine material!
I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.
thought i lost my wallet today but then i found it. free endorphin booster if you’re stupid enough
Me: *getting struck by lightning*
Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?
Here is a poem for #NationalDrinkWineDay entitled “The Problem of Writing a Poem in the Shape of a Wine Glass”.
The lazy river is my favorite ride at this amusement park. “Ahhhhh!” I scream as I float in a giant circle, not spilling my drink at all
Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while
You’re on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words “Boxers with pockets,” you say. “You’ll never have to wear pants.”
[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here
Oh, your kids sit down and eat dinner? That’s cool. Mine perform interpretive dance in the kitchen while their food gets cold.
PSA: Always be yourself
Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time
[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt