Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.

[lying in bed]

Wife: He’s probably thinking of other women

ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It’s a cape AND a bib?!

I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.

Wife text from work on Easter. “Happy Easter” quick reply as joke “I’m going to grind on you so hard” opens text.Was group family text.truth

COW: I’m constipated
DR DOG: when was ur last bowel moooo-vement lol
C: ur doing puns right now?
DD: gonna milk this for all its worth lmao

“How’s your day going?”

If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.

“No. Nope. Absolutely not. Nope. Incorrect. Wrong” – Neil deGrasse Tyson watching A Star is Born

my brain: you have over a thousand unread emails

me: yes

my brain: are you ever going to read them?

me: no

my brain: then delete them

me: no

Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.

“you recording!?”

My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.

My kids and I have developed an intricate system of hand gestures to communicate nonverbally. Our go to gesture is the throat slit.

Having a job is cool But everyday ???? Come tf on

YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.

If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.

We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated

this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one

In my defense, Your Honor, I grossly misunderstood the meaning of Boxing Day

Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.

These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.

Make your daily standup meeting shorter

me: i just quit cold turkey

turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change

If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.

M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.

I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia?
She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you … ”.

There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.

Hands: Hold my beer.

dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection

Me: I was going to but decided I have a headache.

Friend: How do you just “decide” to have a headache?

Me: uh oh now I have a hearing problem.

[spider party]

black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here