ME: How was your first day?
MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you
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After decorating the house, I spilled cheap vodka on some glitter and dirt I was sweeping up.
Now, my house looks like Ke$ha.
It’s so annoying when attractive people say they’re ugly just to get compliments from people, ugh if I weren’t so ugly I’d do the same thing
*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!
my head, thawed from cryogenic storage 1000 years in future: boy, i could go for a pizza
lab staff: what is ..peet-za?
my head: throw me out the window right now i’m not even exaggerating
Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
I’ve always been a late bloomer. Everyone is going on about Barbie and Oppenheimer and I’m still here posting my wordle
You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.
Ladies time to start dating the older dudes
They can get you in the grocery store earlier
Her: Give me a chat up line?
Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper?
Her: *laughs* Because I’m so captivating?
Me: No, you smell like an animal.
The morning after pill, but for tweets
Getting married soon just need a spouse
*first date*
Brain: Quick say something intresting
Me: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake
Brain: Nice
One thing books from 100 years ago teach us is that if you leave a baby in the jungle, it’ll be fine. Better than fine, actually.
“Toy Story 4”: Woody and Buzz discover their teddy bear friend is really a NannyCam; they must murder him to protect the secret of the toys.
They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Blockbuster: 😭 yes
i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.
Nothing prepares you for the love you have for your children, or for your own ability to say I don’t know a million times a day without snapping their adorable little necks.
Friend: check out my conscience shell
Me: you mean conch? *holds up to ear*
Shell: you saw those kids get in that van and you did nothing
“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”
not going to work.
“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
me: i got into harvard!
cop arresting me for breaking and entering: yeah, we know
My husband left me this morning. Again.
he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.
All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.
So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.
if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.
“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”
“Yes!”
“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”