Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My superpower is scattering dogs by singing at them.

One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.

If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.

Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs

Good luck to all of the parents whose kids will be eating their Easter candy and won’t be going to bed until Tuesday night.

Before you fall in love with me, you should probably know that I will read the entire menu twice of a restaurant I’ve been to a hundred times only to order the same thing I always do…

Twitter fine art

WATSON: do you even have a proper education?

SHERLOCK: Elementary, my dear Watson

WATSON: but, like, beyond that

SHERLOCK: nah

Date: I like old fashioned guys

Me: I have polio

[farm]

SON: *crying*

ME: Look, I told you not to get attached to the animals because eventually we have to eat them

SON *running away*: I HATE YOU!!

ME: He’s taking it pretty hard… but I did warn him

WIFE: None of us thought you meant the dog

When it comes to men’s sweatpants bring back Victorian era protocol: I really don’t wanna show you my ankles unless we’re married. Its downright indecent.

extrovert self made too many plans this month, introvert self is pissed

I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?

I always check on the non existent cake in the oven when the dryer timer goes off.

receptionist: you’re too late for the how to be a historian conference

me: perfect tell me all about it

receptionist: [muttering] holy shit he’s good

You must first feel comfortable in someone else’s skin before you can feel comfortable in your own.

–Psycho Therapy

I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say

I had a stormy relationship with my mother, mostly because she was a cumulus cloud

The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.

My 8yo told me she wants me to live forever which was sweet until I told her I’d run out of money and she replied “ok nevermind”.

he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts

Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?

Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.

Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.

Our tv was on with the volume a smidge louder than societal norms, my husband was watching a YouTube video on his phone at medium volume, I was watching a tiktok on my phone full blast and my daughter walks in and yells, “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD BUY HEADPHONES.”

No one heard her.

Nice try, NASA

I like the idea in Star Trek that universal audio translators are a thing by the 23rd century. That means around the 22nd century we just get special glasses that show subtitles

Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get

(3 minutes into a hunger strike)

Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.

I saw my neighbor standing out in his yard, he was dressed in camouflage. Someone should probably let him know his camouflage is broken.