Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re like me and enjoy wearing jean-shorts but dislike the feeling of cold on your lower legs, check out “jeans”. They’re like jean-shorts but longer.

*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*

If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.

DEVIL: And this is the lake of lava that you’ll be spending eternity in.

ME: Actually we’re underground so it would be magma.

DEVIL: This is why you’re here you realise.

kanye west: beyoncé is the best there is & she’s one of the few true artists of our generation
me:
kanye:
me: how did u get in my room again

It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.

It could be worse. Those could be the two guys running for president

Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020

a little girl walked up to me at the grocery store calling me “mommy” and her dad came up behind her and said “no she’s at home why am i not enough” LMAOOOOOOOO

Due to company policies in Canada, some fast food drive-throughs will now present you with the payment machine by taping it to the blade of a hockey stick. I’m not pucking kidding either.

“I want us to exercise together and eat more salads”, I said, turning to the spouse-shaped cartoon hole in the wall.

“The library computer is down, can you fix it?”
“What’s not working for you?”
“I can’t get to Facebook.”
“Oh, yeah, I think I heard that Facebook is down.”
“So can you fix it?”
“I mean it’s not a library thing, it’s down everywhere.”
“…So are you not gonna fix it?”

My 4yo thinks you age a whole year in one night, so she’s scrutinizing me closely for any changes today. I’m tempted to put on a bald cap or blacken out some teeth.

IS YOUR WEDDING GOING TO BE OPEN CASKET?

One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.

The plant app says that I either watered my plant too much or not enough. Where is that Goldilocks chick when I need her?

Stop sending me this shit.

ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain

It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found

They’re the worst 😩

I was told flattery would get you everywhere but the bank manager in charge of this vault does not agree.

What I thought I was doing: Leaving my house for a girls’ afternoon at a local winery.

What I was actually doing: Explaining to my 5yo why he can’t call the police just because his dad asked him to pick up his Legos.

ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows

I always thought animal husbandry referred to the level of assertiveness I was expected to bring into the bedroom after I got married

My ex-girlfriend was an exhibitionist although she preferred the term ‘curator of an art gallery’.

I can’t get her off my mind, even the wind seems to whisper her name. Never fall in love with a girl named WHOOSHEE FFREWERRREFSHH.

Seaweed is great for when you want to eat pure salt but wish it had the texture of slime.

My wife says I’ve left the toilet seat up “like a bajillion times” but I’m contacting Jill Stein to demand a recount.

hid some cash in the house for emergencies and now I can’t find it

If y’all are gonna insist on calling those things “hoverboards,” I’ll be over here flying around with my “jetpack.”