Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friend: have you ever been to Norway?

Wife: sadly no.

Friend: why not?

Wife: my husband said we can’t afford it.

Me: that’s not what I said.

Wife:

Friend:

Wife: [sigh] he said we can’t afjord it.

I wrote a book called “The Sun Also Rises” until I found out that Hemingway wrote a novel with the exact same title. So I changed mine to “The Sun Also Rises Too As Well”

doctor: are u sexually active

me: no i just sort of lay there

I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher

I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.

Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.

my brother: grandma’s funeral is going to be closed casket

me: oh no

my brother: are you sad you won’t be able to see her one last time

me: no, it’s because this was going to be my only chance to pry her blueberry pie recipe from her cold, dead hands

couldn’t resist

I’m not gullible enough to be lured into a cult but I am nosy enough

Him: This is an awful Thanksgiving meal… The turkey is touching the green beans!

Me: It’s not what you think, they’re just friends.

I told my mom that I accepted drugs from a semi-stranger and got way too high and freaked out and called my brother because I was semi-hallucinating and couldn’t figure out if I still existed and her takeaway was “I’m so glad you guys are close 🥹🥹”

Applebee’s boss: You’re fired!

Me: Wha? Why? Is it because I fixed the soup of the day?

AB: No, it’s because you keep saying “Eatin’ good in the neighborhood… if you know what I mean”

M: 😏

AB: Wait, what did you do to the soup?

Me to my kids: don’t ever lie

Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken

When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.

nobody’s ever dunked on babies this hard and never will

Me: [trying to act normal]

Nearby Person: hey man are you ok

I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid

So apparently if your iPhone tries to electrocute you, Apple support doesn’t know what to do except say “oh that’s a problem” and pass you up the support chain until you reach the person who feels comfortable putting you on hold for a year. It’s fine. I have all night. 🤯

if you didn’t want me to hide in your closet you shouldn’t have said you had the hiccups

Sure, most of my cousins are doctors and lawyers and professors with nice houses and adorable kids but I’m the only one who can digest milk

For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.

my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there

Bank: your credit card payment is late

Me: your imaginary financial system is illegitimate

Bank: what

Me: nothing what do I owe

Are you bored? Try something new! Draw a picture! Write a story! Strip naked, paint yourself green, and hide in a zucchini patch!

Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.

Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross

Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.

[time machine appears in my old bedroom]

FUTURE ME: Put that book down, go outside, and enjoy your youth.

YOUNG ME: [stunned] Okay, okay *runs outside*

[time machine ceases to exist]

FUTURE ME: Dammit. I really should have thought this through.

A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”