Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[ER: Goth Unit]
Nurse: Doctor, the patient is starting to smile
Doctor: God damnit NOT ON MY WATCH I WANT 500 CCS OF JOY DIVISION NOW

[checking my phone]

“i hope this email finds you being mauled” ha ha what in the heck

[suddenly a bear is in my kitchen]

Started a pot of coffee. Cleaned the coffee maker, poured in fresh water, hit start, and waited for that sweet sweet caffeine laden honey of the gods. I watched in dismay as clear liquid ran into the pot and I realized I didn’t add the beans. Guys. I brewed hot water.

(car shopping w/ teenage son)

Me: What do you think about this one?

Son: Well…I was kinda looking for leather seats.

Me: Leather seats??? You’re lucky it has seats.

I only Googled how to make a bomb so I can be sure I don’t accidentally have bomb making equipment in my house that would get me arrested in a surprise police raid.

Cop: And yet, here we are…

do u think theres a butter planet?

I don’t work from home because there are too many distractions. My house has a TV and a PlayStation and it’s impossible to concentrate on these if I have to work.

My kids wanted to bake something and now we have to move

– a parenting memoir

What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.

I lifted my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn’t care…..

Ceiling fan: 6
Me: 0

Why procrastinate today

When you could procrastinate tomorrow

I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.

Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.

SON: The car’s manual suggests not to turn the stereo up all the way.

DAD: Guess you could say-

SON: NO DON’T-

DAD: -that’s sound advice.

The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…

I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.

[Guy goes on a date w me]
Hm not sure if he likes me
[13 more dates]
Dunno?
[Marries me]
It’s so confusing
[Stays w me 30 yrs]
How do u tell

What’s the biggest problem you have with your name?

My biggest problem?

Me: “Hi, I’m Marcus. Nice to meet you.”

Business people: “Hi, Marcus. Do you go by Mark?”

Me: “No. If I did then don’t you think I’d introduce myself as that?”

My boyfriend asked for a dirty pic last night, I was able to get my whole kitchen in the shot. That should last him a while! He’s so weird.

me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee

drive-thru person: how many coffees?

me: one please

[First day as a mortician]

Me: Anybody seen my grapes?

[Later]

Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird

publisher: how do you expect me to sell a book where you spend three chapters describing a doorknob?

jrr tolkien: it’s an important doorknob

Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.

Teacher: Name the five senses

Me: Uh lessee, touch,
uhm…taste…gimme a sec. Uhm whimsy…uh- balance… and fashion

Teacher:

Me: *counting on fingers* What?

*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back

[pulled over by cop]

COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?

MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]

Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk

[Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…

A librarian with a sense of humour…

#Oscars

The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.

Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.

DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now

ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome