Me: How would you feel about me dating a guy only 7 years older than you?
My Son, then 18: Depends. What kind of video game system does he own? Will he let me borrow it?
Me:
My Son: Does he own a motorcycle & will he let me drive it?
Me:
My Son: Can I call him “New Dad”?
Flight attendant: You’re sitting in an exit row. Are you ready willing and able to assist in case of an emergency
Me, half an ambien and 2 bloody marys deep: Yeah
Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?
After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies
*nonchalantly waters the geraniums with a lawnmower*
“BRING ME THE FOETUS’ OF 3 CHICKENS”
*Maniacal stare*
“Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette”
“AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES”
once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own
Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”
“Rapunzel! Let down your hair!”
RAPUNZEL: Hey hair, ya wanna go get ice cream?
HAIR: Yeah!
RAPUNZEL: Well too bad. Because we’re not.
Him: You think I’m a liar just because I’m a man?
Me: You think I’m dumb just because I’m blonde?
Him: Yes.
Me: Glad we’re on the same page.
My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.
Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…
Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?
Me: yes, please! *opens purse*
Boyfriend: hey this girl was hitting on me today!
Me: *don’t care*
Best friend: hey this other girl called me bestie
Me: *jealous rage*
My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.
This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.
“Daddy, how do you get the snow off” my helpless six year old shouts as she’s outside in a snowsuit playing…in the snow…and it’s snowing
Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.
me: *finally catching up financially*
the brakes on my car: hehe
The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…
me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-
sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet
I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.
1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*
Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.
Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.
Jan 3rd: World War III announced.
He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
God: you’re a cuttlefish.
Cuttlefish: yay I love hugs.
God: that’s not what I meant.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: you have 8 arms and 2 tentacles.
Cuttlefish: for hugs?
God: [sigh] no not for hugs.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: also you’re venomous.
Cuttlefish: [happy gasp] danger hugs!
Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…
…speaking for my kids, this checks out.
Goodyear: tires
Badyear: 2020
Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.
I forgot to take my meds so I’m looking forward to joining the squirrels in the tree to talk politics
