Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.

Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro

thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years

In today’s edition of ‘AI isn’t smart enough to kill us yet,’ Dane Cook is trending under Food.

If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.

My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.

But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.

A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.

“Dad why was I called Holly?”
cos u were born at a special time of year
“And me dad?”
yes Summer and u too
“And me too dad?”
yes Easter-Egg

I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.

Jay Z and Beyonce had a 4 million dollar dinner with Obama…. Wtf did they eat? Fresh dinosaur?

My 1-year-old found a jar of Play-Doh.

I figured she couldn’t do any harm if she couldn’t open it.

She threw it at her sister’s head.

Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.

draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers

When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.

Wife: hey take me out tonight.

Me: can it wait till tomorrow?

Wife: why?

Me: because tonight’s not garbage night, tomorrow is

GREAT WHITE SHARK: *Jumps out of water & eats seal*
JUST OK WHITE SHARK: *Frantically waves flipper to try & get seaweed off but can’t*

Boy: call me daddy 😉
Me:

for years you mocked us, you made fun of our over-sized purses full of goldfish crumbs, our hair ties on our wrists, our jackets just in case, but who do you need now? who has 6 half-full containers of hand-sanitizer stored in old bags around the house? that’s right. moms.

Tbh I don’t even wanna know what they did

salesman: you’ll like this car

me: how many dogs fit in it

salesman: how many what

me: dogs. come on dude have you never sold cars before

I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.

I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me

[Couple saying their vows in church]
ME *stands up* I know why these two should not be wed. SHE’S ALREADY MARRIED!
EVERYONE *gasps*
ME: AND SO IS HE!
EVERYONE *gasps*
COUPLE: Yeah we’re renewing our vows
ME *sits down* I did not know that

please stop saying things like “ur so hot” and “your jokes have both emotional depth and the refreshing originality of a self aware intellectual” and start saying things like “here is ten thousand dollars”

No one makes fun of your unibrow if you’re a cyclops.

It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.

Well my ex canceled the Spotify premium I was using which unfortunately means I am revoking her Dads access to my Disney +. Good guy. Hate to see him caught in the crossfire

This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.

If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.

uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there