me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak
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had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before
Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.
*Buys world map*
*Pins map to wall*
*Promises to visit wherever dart lands*
*Throws dart at fridge*
Couldn’t find my credit card while in line at the market.
*panic sets in.
Then I remember…yesterday I gave it to my daughter to pick up take-out….So she still has it.
*extreme panic sets in
Me- Tonight’s menu consists of savory wild fowl and a side of greens a la creme de mushrooms complete with a robust sprinkling of onions
14- So Turkey and green bean casserole again?
I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys
i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator
Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it
Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.
My current situation
Welcome to Netflix. We have every movie but the one you actually want to watch.
You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!
Sorry not sorry.
You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.
Do my kids help me cook? No.
But do they like what I cook? Also no.
Ok, but do they at least come when I call them to eat? *deepest, longest sigh imaginable*
Protip: if a woman you’re with is screaming “ELEPHANT! SENATOR! BANANA! EUCALYPTUS! MISSISSIPPI!” it’s because she probably forgot the safe word.
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain
[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby
Overheard a woman say very angrily on the phone “I married a stale ham sandwich of a human” and calling someone a stale ham sandwich is probably my new favorite insult
I often stand naked in front of a full-length mirror, studying myself to better come to terms with my imperfections. It’s not an easy thing to do though, and quite frankly I feel IKEA security could be a little more supportive.
My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
Sid Miller out here wasting a week’s worth of drafts in the past hour.
i smell a pulitzer
Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no
“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay
INTERVIEWER: Says here you do magic tricks?
ME: *hands him back his business card* Is this your card?
INTERVIEWER: holy shit