me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak
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BARBER: what’ll it be
ME: can u make me feel extremeley self-conscious for 45 minutes
BARBER: u got it
“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”
found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8
Recipe sites be like: Here’s a recipe, but first let me recite my family history back to 1578, tell you about my silly lil’ DUI I got in college, show you 57 pictures of my dog, and complain about my no-good spouse who is cheating with the landlord
Me: Honey, where do we keep those legally binding documents our marriage is based on?
Her: You mean the mortgage papers?
Me: Yep those ones
My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*hours pass*
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
Hey, girl at the gym that keeps moving to the opposite corner every time I get on the machine next to you, yes, I feel the chemistry too.
I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.
*Cleans house*
*looks at family*
“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”
Me: “Guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes.”
7yo: “Do I need to wear shoes?”
Me: “Yes.”
[4 minutes later]
7yo: “What about pants?”
Can you solve the riddle??
Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?
Me: Can u send me those documents?
Coworker: Yes, but u can actually get them by–
Me: Nope, don’t try teaching me to fish. Not interested.
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you in public.
If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.
Tip: “At the same time” has more characters than “simultaneously.”
The point is, having a vocabulary helps you tweet gooder.
*reading news story about how great some guy is* wow this guy sounds great *reading further* oh no, he’s a bomber and he’s dead
If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.
[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.
Me: *poops all over windshield*
You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.
11yo son just walked by.
If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.
This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.
Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster
Things I learned today:
1) Gel is not short for jelly
2) KY isn’t an acronym for “Krazy Yummy”
3) I’m not allowed to make my own lunch
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.