Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.

Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…

Would I like wedges? No thank you, I shall stick with fries. Not a huge fan of starch that takes 30 minutes to cool down enough to eat while simltaniously becoming totally inedible, but thank you for offering me your salty paper weights.

Me: Can you bring me a burrito

Him: you want me to come over?

Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.

Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.

Someone asked me how much I normally spend on a bottle of wine.

Answering “usually an hour” wasn’t the right answer. I know this now.

(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds

“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings

America: You drive for four hours. You are still in the same part of the country.

UK: You drive for two hours. The local accent has changed twice. Bread rolls have a new name.

“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively

<first date>

Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*

Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*

I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats

TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.

*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*

No longer performing, members of Dire Straits are now advising other bands.

They are consultants
They are consultants
They are con-sul-tants of swing

Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man

*mom puts teen’s clean clothes at bottom of the stairs*

Mom meaning: Take up stairs, put away

Teen meaning: Obstacle course on the stairs!

Doordasher handed me my food and said, enjoy the meal..

I said, you too..

boss: you’re fired

me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?

me, after making no effort to address a complaint: how about now

[Restaurant]

Date: I like guys who plan ahead

Me: Excuse me, waiter! *Leans in* Make sure my widow here is well looked after

Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.

HUNGOVER IN YOUR 20s

[takes tylenol and goes about the day]

HUNGOVER IN YOUR 30s

[writing letter] Dearest Penelope, I fear this may be the final time I am blessed to feel the warmth of the sun upon my breast. I grow more weary by the moment, and prospects for survival are slim

[1st day at work]
BOSS: Erm..we..have No Smoking rules here

ME: That’s great Alan [blows out smoke] most places have loads of smoking rules

How many times should you punch the job interviewer to show how tough you are because so far they’re not happy with just the one

Working as an office assistant is fun. They will be like “Please schedule a meeting with these six people. Keep in mind that none of them are available to meet, ever.”

I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..

1: Can I do the cancan?

2: You mean may, not can

1: Can I do the canmay?

2: No, the first can

1: Can I do the maycan?

2: No. May I do the cancan

1: No

I backed my car away from the intersection so a jogger could run by and they waved at me THREE times.

In my head, we are now married and have two children, Charles and Ariel.

Getting ready for work, Hank stared in the mirror and sighed. Assistant manager at Applebee’s might not be his dream job, but at least it kept a roof over their heads and put trash on the table.