me: how’d the date go
friend: i got ghosted
me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out
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me: there are plenty of white rappers
him: …dr seuss
Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now
had my yearly physical and the dr signed me up for flu & covid vaccine and i had to tell her no & explain i am not an antivaxer i just always get my covid shot the night before the phillies have an afternoon playoff game so i can use my vaccine pto to stay home from work to watch
It is so frustrating when I accidentally click on the wrong option in Microsoft Excel and a series of dormant land mines are detonated somewhere in southeast Asia
[Applebees on Christmas]
God: Enjoy your meal?
Jesus: Ya, I-
[a crowd of servers surrounds them]
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.
Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.
Boss: you can’t keep making up new words to try to make yourself sound smarter
Me: I think you’ve intangulated your rememberies to make this seem dramastically worse than it is
Boss: …
The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
Telling her you’re a magician is tricky business. First, tell her you’re a puppeteer. Watch her face drop then say, “just joking.”
NOW tell her you’re a magician.
If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.
A robot robbed a bank but was caught when it’s battery died..
Police have no plans to charge the suspect.I’m here all week😬
outlook: I’m the most powerful office tool ever made. I can search every email you’ve ever received and keep track of the meetings you have six months from now
me: I would like to still view an attachment after someone replies to the email
outlook: [confused hissing]
So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?
[being chased by killer]
ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*
*sucks stomach in for entire 3 year relationship*
gf: I wanna break up
*flops stomach out*
me: finally
“Guy walks into a bar”
*and is eliminated from the limbo contest
Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.
You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now
a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”
There must be so many advantages to being a president or a king, but I’d wager that the most exciting of all is never having to carry your own house keys.
Bruh. Did y’all know bears DON’T HAVE collarbones and can fit through your DOGGY DOOR?
Because I didn’t.
If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.
Gym Bro: Dude, you gotta lift with your legs!
Me: I’ll eat this whole chicken any way I damn well please!
Very problematic
indiana??? now they’re just making up states
*Thunder, lightning and buckets of rain outside the window*
Spouse: “Hand me my phone so I can check the weather.”
An Ontario woman completed a 40,000 piece puzzle, one of the largest in the world. And she’s VERY pissed no one told her the pandemic is over.
Found a ring on a walk today with my husband. It’s our anniversary so he tells me “glad you found my gift…happy anniversary!!!”
someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it
