me: how’d the date go
friend: i got ghosted
me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out
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I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere
you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute
Me: Sometimes I wish I wasn’t shy and introverted
Alcohol: I’VE GOT GREAT NEWS!
My pregnant friends put me in charge of their gender reveal party
I can’t wait till they pop the balloon & find out they’re having a kraken
her: what’s up
me: i’m just driving
her: cool where
me: in the front seat
her: no i mean what location
me: driver’s side
are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something
* kids arguing loudly about which one of them is my favorite *
– dog & I exchange knowing glances and wink as I slip him another treat
*crying and eating cookie dough ice cream*
HUSBAND: Did you have a bad day?
ME: No. Why?
if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger
Funny how in old video games you could just eat a whole turkey or a pizza you found on the street and it would make you better but my doctor specifically told me I had to stop doing that so who’s telling the truth
Thought I was turning into my dad, but it was just his driveway.
When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.
an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud
“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.
MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:
Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.
If you didn’t want a doll made entirely out of my hair then maybe you shouldn’t have liked my selfie
Me: I like to look on the bright side. It’s a beautiful sunny day, I was getting tired of that room, I always enjoy seeing professionals at work and I finally tried a cigarette only to confirm my belief I wouldn’t care for them. Nice to know! Well, please continue.
Firing Squad:
Not sure why “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it” is supposed to be a bad thing. It sounds pleasant. I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.
Cashier: do you want cash back?
Me: I mean who wouldn’t. There’s ring of fire, I walk the line. Let’s not forget his christmas album
To all newly married guys…..
If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.
so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha
Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.
People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.
[The Twitter Breakdown of 2015]
Angry mobs storm the streets, forcing clever wordplay down the throats of unsuspecting, innocent bystanders
Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended
for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a cowboy hat while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you might have been buzz lightyear.
“Wow, haha, this is awkward. I didn’t think anyone was home. Uh…oh well…bears gotta maul…amirite?”
They say that over time pets will start to resemble their owners and I didn’t believe it until I found my cat fast asleep in front of his food bowl