Me: How’d you injure your back?
Friend: I dropped something, bent down to pick it up, and my back said, “You sure ’bout that?”
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“I’m not racist but…” – Britain
When your mom is a nurse and your sister is a nurse, road trips begin with a minimum one hour of trading disgusting medical horror stories. And then we stop for breakfast.
of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people
ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?
MY ALLERGIST: Get out.
New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.
the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air
A true master of balance is someone who can saunter over to your table, drink in each hand, while being three sheets to the wind, and not spill a drop!
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.
Inspirational tweet.
*Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.
Just saw my kid throw the handsoap away with some left in the bottom because the straw didn’t reach the soap anymore. Um, you add water to that shit and keep going. This ain’t the Ritz.
Saw Les Misérables last night and today a coworker stole my sandwich. Suddenly 19 years in jail doesn’t seem excessive for stealing bread.
I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is
when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then
Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it
He was a good dog. He was a beautiful, very good dog. Who was a good dog? Who’s a beautiful, good boy? Was it you? It was.—Dog obituary
wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car
THIS HEADLINE
“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”
4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?
Me:
4: Mom???
Me: What the f-
4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?
Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!
I was about to confront my husband about the strange blonde hairs I found in our house until I realised my kid’s werewolf Halloween mask was moulting.
“Remember that man you met for 5 seconds when you were 2 months old? Let me catch you up on his medical history”
-my relatives
Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.
Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.
Hungover parenting is like being in an Alien movie. You’re scared because there are fast moving creatures all around you, and you really don’t want them to jump on you.
This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.
I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’
This is Huahua. He was told not to chew on the furniture. Which he isn’t. He is chewing under the furniture. 12/10
toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise
Woke up against my better judgment again