Me: How’d you injure your back?
Friend: I dropped something, bent down to pick it up, and my back said, “You sure ’bout that?”
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I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.
Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.
After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.
Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.
Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.
Do you sell bloodpants?
“Nope”
Shitpants?
“Nope”
Droolpants?
“Nope”
Sweatpants?
“Right this way…”
My kid said that she doesn’t have diarrhea, but she might have alittlesickarrhea
ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head
Wolverine: [more mad than usual] I woke up today ON THE ROOF
Prof. X: [glares at Magneto]
Magneto: OH SURE IMMEDIATELY BLAME ME
roman centurion: [dusting his hands off as he walks away from the crucifixion] well, we won’t be seeing that guy again!
Spotify: hey, we make playlists catered to your unique tastes.
Spotify user: listens to 18 hours of Mongolian throat singing, Icelandic drumming bands and a peruvian death metal band.
Spotify: pls listen to drake
Normal people eating: *CRUNCH* *SLURP* *GULP* 🙂
Me eating: If I make any noise at all whilst eating people might judge me and I MIGHT DIE
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
Optional boss fight.
Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.
I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.
I eat them now.
We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends
Clean sheet day!!
*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*
What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly
Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.
Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.
Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.
6yo:You can’t eat chips before dinner!
Me:YOU can’t. I’m a grown man. I do what I want.
*Wife walks in*: What’s that?
Me:WHAT? NOTHING. Huh?
The Twelve Days According to Mom
12 stacks of laundry
11 dirty diapers
10 toddler tantrums
9 teenage eye rolls
8 unwashed bottles
7 errands to run
6 kids fighting
5 min sex life
4 mins to shower
3 broken nails
2 giant eye bags
1 tired mom
me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little
When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny
Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.
Me: Congratulations on becoming a master criminal.
Cousin: I earned a master’s degree in criminology.
Me: So do you get a bigger share of the loot from heists now or what?