Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: [Making an alarmingly bad decision after making a lot of good choices for a while] treat yourself

All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!

-if bras could talk

GOD: why aren’t there more plants on earth?

ANGEL: the snails are doing a bad job of pollinating the flowers

GOD: ok then let’s go to plan bee

I just yelled “WAKE UP,” to which my 4 year old responded “WHYDONTYOUPUTONALITTLEMAKEUP,” so no one question my parenting ever again.

wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!

Ask your doctor if Drugs™ are right for you. If he says no give him a wedgie and stuff him in a locker he is a nerd.

The first person who saw a kangaroo reach into its pouch never fuckin’ thought it’d yank another little kangaroo outta there

*octopus goes in for a palm reading*

Psychic: “CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS”

The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.

If you never milked a dead horse or got stoned from a turnip you don’t know how to mix metaphors. You buttered your bread, now lie in it.

I’ve concluded English is my phone’s second language. It’s the only explanation for all the bizarre autocorrects and typos that plague me.

I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains

At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.

I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.

Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.

I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.

FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I’m gonna name it after you

SUSAN: Aw baby that’s sweet

I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??

Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it

If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.

An evil genius rising to a position of power is bad but it makes sense at least. Feels insulting we’re constantly seeing evil dumbasses doing it instead

Leia: *gasps* Chewbacca, you’re naked!

Chewbacca: *hastily puts back on his bandoleer*

I like dogs cuz if you do something stupid they don’t criticize you, they do it with you.

Drove by an SUV limo parked on somebody’s front lawn with a “For Sale” sign. Who is buying a random limo on a whim

Me: I hate being quarantine alone. I wish I lived with someone.

Mom: take your father, he’s driving me insane

Me: I’m good

Him: Do you gamble?

Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.

it amazes me that people still say they want a “fairy-tale marriage” when most fairy-tale marriages end with the lady getting angry and returning to the sea from whence she came.

STOP SACRIFICING GOATS I NEVER SAID I WANTED GOATS

[bank robbery]

Me: *whispers to other hostages* okay listen, nobody’s gonna die on my watch. It’s very expensive and I don’t want any blood on it

Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?