Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I finally got 10 hours of sleep. I mean it took 4 days to get there, but still.

Rompers are cute and all until you have to pee in a public bathroom. There’s no cute way to execute that. You’re now in an episode of naked and afraid.

me: [wearing a wire] ok i’m inside the drug dealer’s house

drug dealer: who are you talking to

me: [lowering my voice] he knows

Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.

RED RIDING HOOD: what big pupils you have grandmother
WOLF: yeah I found some pills in the bathroom I love you they’re unreal you want some?

Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a “cornbed” so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me

[donut shop]

me: I’ll take a bear claw

*loud roar from the back*

me: never mind, I’ll take a glaze

“Can you put it all in an email?”

Translations:

1. I haven’t been listening
2. I have been listening and what you’re saying is important, but I simply won’t remember it all
3. I have been listening but you’re going on a bit and I’d like you to go away now
4. I want a…

Wife: can you pick up milk?

Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy

Wife: I mean from the store

Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too

Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.

I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.

*sings lullaby*
In the jungle,the mighty jungle,the lion sleeps tonight
If you get up from your bed again, the lion eats your legs
Wimoway..

I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.

best friend: the recording guy for our wedding cancelled on us

me: I can do it

best friend: thanks man!

[after the wedding]

best friend: *visibly angry* all you did was play that stupid flute the whole time

me: actually it’s a recorder

8 year old touching under her eye: Mom, what is it called when your eyes look tired?

Me: It’s “you have bags under your eyes” but you don’t have any, baby.

8 year old: I know, but you do.

me: i recently lost my job

date: oh no what happened

me: the office relocated and i can’t find it

Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*

Why are hurricanes named only after girls?

Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines

Wife: You need a shower
Me: The pressure’s too low
Wife: OK, have a shower or I’m taking the kids

If I was lying down and someone came up and gave me tons of kisses and smooshed my face, I’d love it. I don’t know what my cats problem is.

He always wanted a surprise gift wrapped up in a big red bow.

*carefully arranges shiny red ribbon around a wriggling porcupine*

My cat did not flinch once when the fireworks were going off for hours, but he did yell at me for moving my leg 1 millimeter to the left.

Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.

They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.

Or bees.

I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso

It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.

This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?

only writing recipes in wordart from now on

A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.