Me: How’s it look?
Doc: You have 2 months to live
M: WHAT?? You’re my dentist!
D: Then you don’t need to come back for a cleaning in 6 mos
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*puts on wrestling mask*
*stretches*
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*Me: Let’s do this!
Kid: It’s just thumb wrestling, lady.
Me: Bring it, loser!
If you drop the entire pan of pasta on the floor at dinner time don’t panic just grate some cheese on top, give each of the kids a fork and call it Floor Pasta Thursday
“Welcome, Karen, to Pants On Fire!” the game show host says.
“Excited to be here!” I tell him.
The host eyes me. “Are you?”
My forced smile starts to break. Sweat beads drip down my face, and I swallow hard.
“Light up her pants, guys,” the host orders.
I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.
You: *sneezes*
Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.
Why do people say “meteoric rise”? You know, meteors…those space rocks that famously don’t go up?
Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.
WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house
ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why
A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad
Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now
what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine
“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”
[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]
Kids: Dad, what IS this place?
Me: I have absolutely no idea
due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic
The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.
Moses: Yo, I think you typo’d this tablet, “Thou shall not Bill”?
God: Frig sakes.
Moses: Lol. Still want me to read it?
I have one of those big paintings with the eyeholes cut out but I don’t have anyone to spy on so I just watch TV through it.
I’m not getting fatter. I’m increasing my content.
My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.
BREAKING: Pot calls kettle “black”. “Racial tension at boiling point” says mayor of kitchen cupboard
Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.
Nice to finally get back that hour they stole earlier this year.
I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one
“You know your addiction is bad when you lie and say you’re at the gym when really you’re out shopping” is the title of my autobiography.
To the parent who sent their kid with slime as a Valentine to the class I just want you to know that I will send my daughter with kinetic sand to give to your kid as a thank you gift.
People at work: you’re hilarious,man
Family: you’re really funny
Friends: you’re the funniest guy we know
Twitter: you’re occasionally witty, but don’t quit your day job
Wife: you’re an idiot. that’s not funny.
“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says
i was just sitting in my car and someone confused me for an uber and now i guess we’re driving across the country to stop his ex girlfriend’s wedding because he still loves her
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.