Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Can I be completely honest with you?”

— someone about to piss me off

Friend: What was the name of that guy you introduced me to? He had a beard and a hoodie.

Me: Uhhh

F: Really into Craft Beer.

Me:

F: He has a podcast.

Me: That’s every man I know.

I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.

my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes

Jesus: one of you will betray me tonight
*checks phone*
Jesus: WHO IN DAD’S NAME UNFOLLOWED ME?!”
*judas slyly slips phone back in robe*

Jesus: One among you will betray me.
John: No way dude.
Matthew: No way dude.
Judas: *thumbing through designer cross catalogue* Plausible.

<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men

Not many people know this but memory foam mattresses are made from elephant.

I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.

I see you like sex.

*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.

I was walking into the store and some man said, “Hi beautiful,” and I replied, “Hello yourself.”

…. that’s when he pointed to his Bluetooth.

The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…

More hair in my drain.

WIFE: There are people from the zoo at the front door

ME: *sitting on the couch with my new pet monkey* Do they look upset?

It’s a new year and a new me. I’d like to buy you all a drink. Waitress! One small Coke and 10,000 straws.

Thoughts and prayers for my 17 year old. Nothing’s wrong with her. She’s just mad that she has to put gas in her own car on a cold day.

You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.

Bloodmobile: Sir, for the last time, this isn’t a food truck.

Dracula: Theez iz some bullshit.

The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.

In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter

Good morning & happy hump day! Today is also “National Red Wine Day” 🤣🤣🤣

Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?

Me: Yes, I love potato salad.

Nutritionist: no

Coming soon to NBC: She’s a lawyer who, you guessed it, doesn’t play by the rules. And he’s a doctor who, right again, pees sitting down.

Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You

10yo: “I NEED my iPod!”
Me: “I’m sorry honey.”
10yo: “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!”
Me: “You’re right sweetie. Mommy played w rocks when I was 10.”

Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.

I 100% subscribe to this philosophy

“By the way, actions don’t speak!” — Words.

Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes

My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.