ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much
THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion
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I’d like to speak to America’s manager.
It’s so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?
Me: And I was just trapped in my bed, crying for hours
Cop: I’m not surprised with a murderer in your house
Me: There was a murderer in my house?
My 4yo just realized he could raise both his eyebrows at the same time
He now does it every time he makes eye contact with me and it looks like we are in cahoots orchestrating the most diabolical plan ever
my sister took her 4 yr old to adopt a pet kitten and she immediately ran to the black one, picked it up and held it to her face as she said, “i’m a witch now, i can’t wait until school tomorrow.”
i’m afraid for whoever crossed her at preschool
Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father
Luke: really?
Darth Vader: yeah. Why?
Luke: you have the voice of a heavyset black guy is all
Alien dad telling everyone to remember they parked the UFO in Springfield then a montage of them discovering how many Springfields there are.
I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.
A mosquito bit me and now it’s gotten a DUI and an intervention
Canadian owl: Eh?
The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.
Don’t you hate it when you leave your gym bag in the hot car and all your Hershey Bars melt?
[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter
✨ check 🧵 for the bonus panels! ✨
Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”
Me: Ooh, I’d love to go to your party, but I have a dentist appointment.
Her: On a Saturday night?
Me: I’ve got really bad teeth.
Airport Announcer: Please report any unattended items to TSA
Me: *sees random 3-year-old running around*
Me: *slowly reaches for phone*
Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
Me: ” I’m gonna wrap my bear legs around your head”
Him: ” You mean bare?”
*Me looking at my untouched razor*
“Nope”
You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!
Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*
therapist: what’s on your mind
me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with
A North Carolina school has removed its bathroom mirrors to stop kids from making TikToks. Ooh, you were so close, they actually do them with their phones.
Me: Do you have homework?
11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?
I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist
Establish dominance by ordering ribs on your date and refuse to use a napkin.
This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad
“You killed a dude
I hate your attitude
That’s why you’re going to jail,
Without bail
25 to life
Bubba is your new wife.”-Poetic Justice
The word “beard” comes from an old Latin phrase meaning “sit on my face”
It must be such a rush to be a predator and feel the need to chase and catch something while at the SAME TIME thinking “That looks delicious.”
Like imagine if donuts could run.