Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I find as I get older it’s the little things that bring me joy. Like embarrassing my children.

Optometrist: better or worse?

Me: oooo worse – I can see your face now

first dinner with other vaccinated friends and a man spent the whole time arguing with me about cryptocurrency. release the rest of the bats

Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.

As a parent, I spend far too much time identifying what’s stuck to the ceiling.

It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.

Engagement photo shoots are so funny as a concept. Like girl, we believed you

*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.

*forgets her own toothbrush.

Dear commercial,

If my family follows your advice and gives me Fitbit or exercise gear for Mother’s Day, prepare yourself for a lawsuit.

If you watch Footloose during the pandemic, the minister who tells everyone not to dance is now the hero.

sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location

Yes, this is exactly right

My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.

My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.

*middle of a 6 hour road trip,

One 8 year old twin says to the other: “Id roast you, but Mom said I’m not allowed to burn trash.”

Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.

Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.

Hey, I tried to parallel park into a spot and goosed it twice so I’m just gonna go home. Enjoy brunch though, I’ll catch you next week.

I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids

I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.

Quadruple digit IQ

Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.

The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.

Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“People who make Latin jokes are a bunch of ani.”

“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene

[watching nature documentary]

*hawk kills mouse*

That’s so amazing.

*hawk kills lizard*

I could watch this all day.

*hawk kills bunny*

MURDERER! *turns off TV*

Twister 2:

Climate change makes tornadoes evolve.

They work together.

We can’t beat them.

We team up instead

The twisters destroy ISIS.

Me: *gets comfortable*

Life: Just one more thing …

[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit

There’s nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don’t trust them with cash.