Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much
THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion
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Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand
Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*
Pirate Lois Lane: OMG
Will someone please surgically remove this bag of chips from my hand
There’s no easy way to steal a watermelon.
She said she wanted to bump uglies. So, naturally, I got all showered & freshened up and then I rammed my Ford Pinto into her Honda Element.
[first day in a hair band]
Singer: you’re bald
Me: yes, I lied on my resume
3 asked if I remembered when she had a cough and I brought her snacks in bed and I asked if she was worried about getting a cough because of the pandemic and she said what pandemic can I just bring her snacks in bed