ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much
THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion
You Might Also Like
*scrolls ur TL*
*finds ur tweet from 2 yrs ago.*
*eerily similar to mine from day before*“She stole my tweet AND built a time machine?!”
Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm
Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you
Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.
Her: Do you wanna do it?
Me: Do what?
Her: It.
Me: What’s it?
Her: You know… It.
Me: Oh… I call first player.
Her: Wait, what?
[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?
“I’m not angry, just disappointed. You need to try harder. This is important! Do I make myself clear?”
“Sorry, sir. Here’s your ketchup.”
The nurse said take everything off except bra and panties, but all I have under my dress is a tampon string I wish I could pull to parachute right outta here
I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.
My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.
Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.
*cooks for 2 hours with all fresh ingredients*
My family: it’s ok*throws in frozen pizza*
My family: yayyyy pizzaaaa!
“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.
Me: Why are you in such a bad mood?
5-year-old: I haven’t had my coffee.
Me: You’ve never had coffee.
5-year-old: Exactly.
I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.
“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
You know you’re getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn’t say anything back.
pretty disappointing remote islands don’t control other islands.
WIFE: What did you just do?
CAT: *bolts for no apparent reason*
ME: *bolts in the opposite direction in case she’s after both of us*
I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.
Let’s be thankful Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t making masks.
Welcome to adulthood.
Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.
Evolution sometimes moves forward due to tiny differences making one species less competitive
For instance T-rex died out bc, lacking selfie sticks, their instagram feeds were less effective
[First day as a private investigator]
*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound
*Gets murdered
Me: [trying to act normal]
Nearby Person: hey man are you ok
[on phone to gf]
her: “you never understand me anymore so..”
me: “so what?”
her: “we’re breaking up”
me: “i can hear you fine”
Therapist: do you think your phone is making you a less engaged parent?
Me: yes
Therapist: then maybe-
Me: *looking up from phone* wait no
[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”