ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much

THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion

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Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.

Husband: How short?


Husband: HOW SHORT?!


i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand


Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*

Pirate Lois Lane: OMG


Will someone please surgically remove this bag of chips from my hand


She said she wanted to bump uglies. So, naturally, I got all showered & freshened up and then I rammed my Ford Pinto into her Honda Element.


[first day in a hair band]

Singer: you’re bald

Me: yes, I lied on my resume


3 asked if I remembered when she had a cough and I brought her snacks in bed and I asked if she was worried about getting a cough because of the pandemic and she said what pandemic can I just bring her snacks in bed