Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The grocery store accidentally included chlorine tablets in our order, we don’t have a pool so I guess the kids are getting extra clean in the bath tonight

Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.

If at first you don’t secede, try, try again.

~ Theresa May

Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.

Drove by a woman with her car broken down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.

I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..

My ATM password is four digits and my Twitter password is a complicated one because I wouldn’t want anyone to log in and post embarrassing tweets.

7: “By the year 2057 the oceans will be nothing but trash.”

Me: “Wow, I had no idea. Pretty smart, bud.”

Wife: “You know so many important facts, sweetie.”

*silence*
*3 looks at each of us*

3: “Did you know there’s also pink lemonade?”

I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂

Brother: Did you know a remote is 20 times dirtier than a toilet seat?

Me *licking remote*
I don’t drip caramel sauce on toilet seats.

I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that

I brought my Beats headphones to work, and instead of being left alone, I’ve had 7 rap battles and am in the finals against A$AP Carol.

My wife’s biggest fear isn’t that we’ll die from Coronavirus, it’s that we’ll die from Coronavirus and the kids will go through our stuff and find out that mom and dad were into some really freaky shit.

Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required

Reporter: What went wrong in the Challenger launch?

NASA: have you ever built a space ship?

Reporter: well no bu-

NASA: it’s really hard

Wife holding bank statement: What’s this payment?
Me: we’re sponsoring a panda!
W: so is this monthly?
M: No, it’s just for the one skydive

[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed

I’ve always taught my children that no matter what race or religion, all good looking people deserve respect.

If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.

When my wife asks me to get her something from her giant purse, it’s always “Check the big pocket. No the side pocket. Wait, the medium pocket on the inside. Maybe the other side pocket. Did you check the big pocket?”

a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee

New nose

I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy

I got a Father’s Day card from my son that says ‘You’re one of my favourite parents’ so yeah, I’m really nailing this dad thing.

“She loves me not…”
: Picks last petal :
“She LOVES ME!”

Flower: “…NOT! LOL nerd”
: Whips out hidden petal shaped like middle finger :

Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?

I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.

Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*

Executioner: last words?

Me: pop

Executioner: we say soda here

Me:

Executioner: say soda

Warden: bro it’s LAST words he won’t-

Executioner: I’M NOT PULLING TIL HE SAYS SODA

The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.

Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.